Interviews!
by Shadow Jaganshi
Summary: Just to keep you entertained, I have started a short story using an already overused idea. But that's okay because it's just to keep you from biting off my head. (rating for safety)
1. Forbidden? Forsaken? What?

**(11-28-04) Shadow explains this story's existence in the first long-ish paragraph... So just read that so I don't have to repeat her.  
(12-3) Oh, isn't this newdocument export thing just nifty? I fixed a couple of the errors... Yay! **

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**CHAPTER ONE  
**Forbidden? Forsaken? What?!

The room was dark and empty. Until a door opened and in danced a happy, stupid Shadow. But then the door closed again. A spotlight shone on the girl and she grinned.

"Hello everyone!"

Crickets chirped as she waited for a response. After a minute, not in the least ruffled by the silence, she continued.

"Okay, Authoress Shadow has given me a great commandment! While she writes a painfully long, psychotic story that probably isn't worth the effort she isn't exerting, Eclipse and I are to conduct interviews of the Reikai Tantei. She is all too aware, of course, that everybody else has already used this idea and she's a bit behind on the game, but she doesn't care because she said she just needs something to keep people from forgetting her existence while she doesn't post anything, and she has confidence that I can conduct them in an amusing, interesting way. She says that's how I do everything else... I dunno what she means by that... Anyway, with me in charge and my faithful companion Eclipse running video and audio for these important interviews, we intend to explore where no one has gone before! Into the deepest darkest depths of the Reikai Tantei's minds! Do you think the public is ready for what we may discover? I don't, but they're gonna have to deal with it, because it's _their_ fault they're reading this! So, once Eclipse arrives, we'll go hunting for our first victim!"

The door across the room opened and light flooded in.

"Who turned out the lights?!" came Eclipse's voice.

"Don't turn them--"

Click.

"AHHH! I'M MELTING, I'M MELTING, OH DEAR GOD IT'S UNBEARABLE!" Shadow wailed, falling to her knees.

"I got the video camera," Eclipse said dryly, watching her friend writhe and twitch on the ground. Shadow jumped up instantly.

"Well let's go, then!"

The girls ran out and slid into the hall in stocking feet. Shadow slammed into the opposite wall and fell over. She jumped up, shouting "Hold still!", and snapped her fingers. Both girls were instantly in more business-like outfits and looked really quite impressive. Like maybe they were... _important _or something. Shadow even had her hair tied up in a bun and little spectacles on her nose. She positioned these, pulled out a mirror, and looked at herself.

"A bit too strict, wouldn't you say?"

"Yeah, a bit. What about me?"

"You look absolutely retarded. I can fix that, though!" She grinned. "Authoress Shadow lent me some powers." She snapped her fingers again and both of them were in slightly less strict--but still formal--business outfits. Deciding they were still too formal, Shadow snapped her fingers and they were wearing blue jeans and too-big black t-shirts.

"Marvelous," Shadow said, admiring herself. Then she tilted the mirror slightly so she could see down the hall behind her. "Ahhh, fan_tas_tic! We just found our first victim! Go!" She spun and tore down the hall towards Yusuke, who'd innocently been coming to ask her where she kept the salt in this house.

"Hey Shadow, wh-- What are you doing?"

"Interviews, by the commandment of Great Authoress Shadow." She pulled a paper out of her pocket and unfolded it to hold centimeters in front of Yusuke's face. He recoiled and stared at it. "It's a signed order from Authoress Shadow herself. Dare defy it and I have permission to kick you where it counts. Says so in the fine print." She folded the paper back up and stuffed it into her pocket.

"Who is 'Authoress Shadow'? Another one of your psychotic personalities?"

"Noooo! Authoress Shadow! Oh, that's right, you're just a measly anime character, forgot about that. She has no special affinities for you so you wouldn't know her. Great Authoress Shadow is the creator of fanfics and many things amusing! You must respect her wishes! So here goes." Shadow then grabbed Yusuke and carried him down the hall to a room empty of everything but a curtained window, a small table, and two chairs on either side of it. "Sit."

When Shadow put him down, Yusuke obeyed. It was really quite pointless not to, since Eclipse was in front of the closed door, and when two half-demon girls have their mind set on something that is not obviously harmful to your health, just go along with them. Wise advice, kids.

"Of course, I do have _some_ individuality," Shadow muttered to herself, looking at another sheet of paper with a contemplating gaze, "and therefore, these rules are not to be obeyed."

"What rules?"

"The ones that say I'm fully responsible for any injury--physical, mental, or emotional--that you may, and probably _will_, sustain during this excursion and that I'm supposed to tell you that and have you sign a paper agreeing to it. Authoress Shadow does not have her hands in this one as much as others! She's busy! She says she still needs you for the fic she's writing, so if I cause problems, I'm supposed to fix them, but if that's not written, I can't be held to it! Hahahahahaha!"

"What? Give me that!" Yusuke yelped, snatching for the paper. He hadn't liked the sound of that. Shadow jerked it out of his reach and pulled an ashtray out of her pocket, which she set the paper in and quickly set it on fire. Yusuke watched his hope for survival turn into ashes.

"I never even agreed to do this," he whined.

"It doesn't matter. I won't kill you, Yusuke! I just want to ask some questions!"

"What happened to the 'any injury that you may and probably will sustain' thing then?!"

"C'mon, tough guy! You've defeated full-fledged _demons_! You beat _Hiei!_ Don't tell me you're scared of a scrawny half-breed girl!"

"Well when you put it like that..." Yusuke muttered, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms. "I guess I can deal with it."

"That a boy!" Shadow snapped her fingers and the two chairs--previously both rather nice antique imitations with cushions on the seats--turned into a recliner for Shadow and a small, rickety child's chair for Yusuke, which he shortly got stuck in, then broke.

"What's the deal!?"

"I'M THE ONE ASKING QUESTIONS!"

"Yes ma'am!" the boy yelped before he could stop himself.

"Now, my first question... On the topic of your career: What was your first thought when you realized you were really dead?"

"Which time?"

"THE FIRST TIME, DOLT!"

"Oh. That would have to have been... 'OH MY GOD, I'M DEAD!' Then Botan showed up."

"We won't go into that. Now, when you became a Reikai Tantei and caught your first glimpse of a demon, a _real_ demon, what were your thoughts?"

"'Man he's ugly'?"

Shadow's eyes narrowed. "My memory does not serve me. It wasn't _Hiei_, was it?"

"No, but he was pretty ugly first time I saw him, too. I got used to it, though."

"WHAT?"

"Well you've got to admit that when somebody has just kidnapped your girlfriend and you find him in an abandoned warehouse with a sword almost as big as he is, several dozen brainwashed humans, and a big glowing pimple on his forehead, you're bound to think he's weird looking."

"That's not what you said. You said he was ugly."

"Ugly, weird, what's the difference! Why are you getting so defensive?"

"I'm not," she answered quickly, her eyes darting around anywhere but Yusuke's accusing glare.

"Yeah, I bet."

"I'M NOT! HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF SUCH A HEINOUS THING!"

"What, I accused you of getting defensive cuz I said your lover's ugly and--"

"And he's not my lover. WE ARE CONTINUING WITH THE INTERVIEW!"

Horns and dragon wings appeared on Shadow, and an aura of fire appeared around her as she stood threateningly above Yusuke. He shrunk back.

"Yes ma'am!"

"Good!" she chirped, and all hellish things vanished. She settled back in her seat. "So, how did you feel when you defeated Toguro?"

"Isn't that skipping a bit?"

"NO! HOW DID YOU FEEL?!"

"Like shit! Sure, I'd just beat the guy, but I thought Kuwabara was dead, and it's not like I'd easily won without getting hurt myself! So I was injured and angry and upset and... Okay?"

"Yes, very good. Are you getting this all, Eclipse?"

"Yes. I've been recording since you found Yusuke."

"Oh good! Full coverage is the best. Now, Mr. Urameshi, I'm going to skip a bit. How did you feel when you found out you were half demon. Really?"

"I don't know! Surprised, I guess..."

"Okay, good enough! Now onto politics! What are your feelings on gay rights?"

"What?"

"GAY RIGHTS! Should gays be allowed to marry, or do you think it's wrong and gross and ew-like?"

"I've met my share of gays--" Shadow coughed, and it sounded oddly like 'Karasu.' Yusuke ignored her and continued. "--and I'd have to say that gays should not be allowed to marry."

"YOU, SICK, JUDGMENTAL, PREJUDICED CHILD! HOW COULD YOU BE SO CRUEL! YOU THINK IT'S OKAY TO DEPRIVE SOMEBODY OF THEIR ONE TRUE LOVE! SO WHAT IF THEY'RE GAY! OH, CRUEL WORLD, MY FRIENDS ARE PREJUDICED BASTARDS!" She cried fakely for a bit until abruptly looking up with a smile. "Moving right along. How do you feel on the subject of homeland security? Is Japan a safe place?"

"Of course it is, with me protecting it!"

"Ha! You just protect it from demons. What about terrorists, and George Bush?"

"Who?"

"The President of the United States! He's an _asshole_ and for all we know, Japan will be the next country he'll start ravaging for nuclear weapons, because the Japanese created all those video games dealing with anything violent! Oh God, it's terrible, isn't it? So is Japan safe?"

"I don't know..."

"YES OR NO!"

"NO!"

"THANK YOU! On the issue of orphans! Would you build a machine and use pieces of a forsaken child to power it?"

"Forsaken child? Isn't that like what Hiei is?"

"No, no, no, Hiei is a _Forbidden_ Child. Now answer my question."

"Aren't 'forbidden' and 'forsaken' the same thing?"

"No! Shut up and answer my question!"

"But--"

"SHUT UP! I'LL GET A DICTIONARY!" Shadow snapped her fingers and an open dictionary appeared in her hand. "**FORBIDDEN!** FORBIDDING/FORBID: TO COMMAND A PERSON NOT TO DO SOMETHING! **FORSAKEN!** OOOOoohhh, fornication... Huh? Oh, right, no, here:** FORSAKEN!** TO RENOUNCE OR RELINQUISH! TO ABANDON! See, there's differences!"

"It depends on the context."

"Eclipse! What do you think?"

"I think Yusuke should answer your question about powering machines with the blood and body parts of forsaken children."

"There ya go! Answer!"

"Could you repeat the question?"

"Would you build a machine and use pieces of and/or blood from a forsaken child to power it?"

"No I would not, Shadow."

"Thank you. On the issue of pornography: Should porn be sold to little boys?"

"Erm... Well if you don't sell it, they'll steal it, so--"

"Do you admit to ever having stolen pornography?"

"Me? I would ne--"

"You're under oath, you know."

"What?"

"If you lie, I can throw you in with the weasels."

"You wouldn't." Shadow glared. "You would. I admit that yes I did, then."

"Oh, marvelous! Thank you. Now onto the subjects of love. How do you really feel about Keiko?"

"I--... You aren't gonna show her this, are you?"

"If she asks to see it. But I'm not gonna go dancing over to her house and say, 'Hey, Keiko, Yusuke told me some stuff about you two and I taped it, wanna see?'"

"Okay, then... I love her."

"Oh, marvelous, marvelous! Love is always a good seller. People like love. Have you ever had serious thoughts about furthering your relationship, past whatever stage it's at now?"

"Is that really any of your business?"

"Just how far _have_ you gone with Keiko?"

"Not--"

"Are there gonna be baby Yusukes running around shooting baby spirit guns at me?! HUH? HUH?" She slammed her fists on the table and got right up in Yusuke's face. "I NEED TO KNOW!"

"**NO!!!**" Yusuke shouted. Shadow went spiralling through the air like a balloon when you let the air out of it. "I have not had sex with Keiko!"

"Oh." Shadow jumped up. "Well that sure is good to know." She walked over and sat back down, pulled another paper out of her pocket, and looked it over.

"I think that covers it. Can you think of any other questions for the boy, Eclipse?"

"No, I couldn't say as that I can," Eclipse replied professionally.

"Well, then, Yusuke, what do you say to the fans at home?" She gestured to the video camera.

"Um... Hi?"

Shadow groaned and hit herself in the head. "Good enough. You're a dunce, Yusuke, and I never want to interview you again. Show him the door, Eclipse."

The said girl aimed the camera at the door, then pointed and said, "There's the door, Yusuke. Isn't it beautiful?"

"NO, FOOL!" Shadow groaned. "Must I do _everything_ around here?" she asked melodramatically. She got up and took Yusuke's arm. "It was absolutely _terrific_ to have you with us today, Yusuke. I hope you can come back sometime soon. But for now, let's have a round of applause for your departure."

Eclipse started clapping and Shadow booted Yusuke out the door. Literally. He slammed into Kuwabara as he passed by conveniently.

"Oh! Next victim! Keep the tape rolling, Eclipse!" Shadow grabbed Kuwabara and yanked him into the room.

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See? An interview story in non-script format. Yay. If you have suggestions for questions for Kuwabara, you can tell me if you want. I'm sure I can think of enough to write a chapter... I hope there weren't any errors, though I proof read it, so there shouldn't be...  
Ah yes, and the George Bush thing, don't take offense at that if you support the guy. Shadow's just a little... I dunno. A little eccentric? Or whatever? 


	2. A Magical Ugly Fruit?

**(12-3-04) Thank you everyone who reviewed! Let's see... I don't want to respond to each one individually cuz that takes a lot of time and space and too many people said relatively the same thing... Sorry. So, general response to 24: Thank you for not killing me about the Bush comment. If you watch Venture Brothers, yes I did get the 'forsaken child' thing from there. Meant to tell you that...Hm... I used a couple peoples' suggestions... Or they suggested something I'd already thought of... Whatever. Thank you all... If I forgot anything, feel free to reprimand me.

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**CHAPTER TWO  
**A Magical Ugly Fruit?

"What's going on, guys?!" Kuwabara yelped as Shadow dragged him into the room. She snapped her fingers and dropped Kuwabara into the chair that appeared.

"Interviews! I just want to ask you some questions. Yusuke just got through this and he was, for the most part, unharmed. This leads us to believe that similar torture on you will have a similar effect. Did you understand that? It meant we come in peace and are not going to harm you. I just want to ask some questions."

"Um... Okay."

"Very good! I'll skip all the trivial things about injuries and stuff and cut right to the chase. Topic: career. Question: Kuwabara, what were your first thoughts when you saw a demon for the first time?"

"Um... I don't know. What was that thing you said about injuries?"

She ignored him. "I believe that would have been at Genkai's tournament, wouldn't it have been? Rando?"

"Oh. Yeah. But what was that--"

"ANSWER THE QUESTION!"

"I don't know! He was ugly!"

"Kinda like you?"

"What?"

"Do you think a magical ugly fruit might have been the cause of your unattractive face?"

"A what?"

"You kinda look like an ugly fruit. Oddly shapen..." She tilted her head to one side. "Orange."

"What are you talking about?!"

"Something beyond your comprehension, apparently, though it really is quite a simple concept. Moving right along, next question: How did you feel when Yusuke was killed the second time?"

"How do you _think_ I felt?"

"Right. Stupid question. Do you plan on ever doing anything outside Reikai Tantei work?"

"Well, I want to go to a good college and make a life for myself like a normal human."

"But you aren't normal. Why the hell would you want to be normal when you can be different? I laugh at normal people! NORMAL PEOPLE SUCK! FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING! But probably literally, too. Why would you want to be a normal person?"

"Because... I want to fit in and--"

Shadow waved a hand at him. "Enough, enough, I don't care about the deep recesses of your reasoning. Though I have my doubts on how 'deep' your reasoning really is... What with your obsession with kittens and all. What kind of normal human teenage boy is obsessed with kittens?"

"Kittens are very manly!"

"Yeah, just like roses, right?"

"Roses are manly, too, I guess..."

"Right, you're just saying that so a certain rose-wielding teenager I know won't whip your ass off. Literally speaking. Why _are_ you obsessed with kittens, anyway?"

"Because... Kittens are... Cute?"

Shadow stared for a second, then burst into laughter. She doubled over, fell out of her chair, hit her head on the table, and rolled across the floor to the door, opened it, rolled out, and shut it. It was shut for barely a second when it opened again and Shadow came walking back in with a dead serious face.

"So, Kuwabara, what are your thoughts on gay rights?"

"Uhm..."

"That's why I thought. You want to have gay sex with Karasu. Next question."

"**WHAT?! NO! I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!**"

"That's exactly the problem! **STOP SAYING 'UHM' AND 'UM' AND ANYTHING SIMILAR! DOLT!**"

"Fine! I approve of gay relationships because I believe people should be happy no matter what it takes."

"Aren't. You. Special. At least you aren't a prejudiced bastard like that Yusuke kid I know."

"Huh?"

"Next question! How often do you drink the blood of virgins?"

"Never!"

"That's what I thought. Why don't you?"

"Why would I?"

"It's supposed to keep you healthy, I think. Don't you go for the whole vampiric Goth thing?"

"No!"

"Hm. Just as I suspected. You're secretly attracted to Karasu."

"WHAT?"

"I know where he's been making a home for himself. Would you like me to call him? He probably wouldn't go for you, but it's worth a--"

**"NO! GROSS!** That pervert wants _Kurama_, not me! And thank God for that!"

"Aww, I'm telling Kurama! You'd rather Karasu raped Kurama than put yourself in that sort of danger! The poor fox would lose his marbles if that creep raped him! But you don't care! You're really just selfish! You're not as emotional as you act! You don't care! You sad, strange little man. And you are little. In the mind and in the... Ahem. Speaking of small things, how is your relationship with Yukina going?"

Kuwabara stared, making stuttering noises, surprised and utterly baffled by the change of topic. And what did small things have to do with Yukina? Shadow waited politely for a moment before calmly leaning forward and slapping him straight across the face. Then she sat back and repeated the question.

"Yukina and I are getting along very well," Kuwabara said defensively.

"Really? What if Yukina suddenly started showing an odd affinity for Kurama, or Yusuke? What if she totally rejected you and went after Koenma or some totally random stranger in the street one day? Don't you think she and Hiei look cute together? I think they're cute together. It's cute, isn't it?" She held up a framed picture of the said demon and his sister. Kuwabara glared.

"What are you getting at?"

"Nothing. Hiei's not going after Yukina, anyway, so don't worry about that. Because that _is_ what you were worried about. I read minds."

"I--"

"So what are your thoughts on human/demon relationships? Should they be allowed? Because, you know, that's what your relationship with Yukina is."

"Of course they should be!"

"You just say that because you want to be with Yukina. But in all honesty, I don't think they are. Wouldn't that be funny?"

"Not really."

"But if human/demon relationships are against the law then me, Eclipse, and Yusuke are all illegal. Tsk."

"Well what about half demons and demons?"

"What about half demons and _humans?_"

"What?"

"Yusuke and Keiko. Half demons and demons are fine, by the way, purely because I said so and if anyone tries to stop me, their heart will be on a platter and served up with a cucumber and peanut butter sandwich. Doesn't that sound appetizing?"

"No."

"I think it does," Eclipse interjected.

"See? You're just a stupid ningen and you don't understand these things. I like eating hearts. And drinking the blood of virgins. I could drink my own blood if it weren't for last night. I don't fit the requirements anymore."

"WHAT?"

"I'm just kidding."

"Yeah, sure... You know, you really know how to make a guy suspicious."

"Yes, I know. The way I am so calmly stating all this in a matter-of-fact sort of way, you can't tell whether I'm joking or not. Isn't that encouraging?"

"Um..."

"But that's got nothing to do with anything. So, Kuwabara, if you, Youko, Hiei, and your sister were the only ones left on this planet, how would you go about repopulating the human species?"

"What?!"

"Not that it'll ever happen, because if Hiei would kill you, which he would, then it'd be two demons and a human and there would be no chance of ever repopulating humans. Of course, before he killed you, if you'd wanted to repopulate humanity, that'd mean you would have had to impregnate your sister, and the child would be misformed and weird, and so then, if it was a daughter, you'd have to make her pregnant to, and eventually the world would be full of inbred Kuwabara-descendants and if that happened, I'D RETURN FROM THE DEAD AND DESTROY HUMANITY! If Hiei hadn't already due to your offspring being as retarded as you, which he probably would have so I wouldn't have to worry about it. Case closed, problem solved, you're a genius Sherlock, it's quite elementary dear Watson, have a nice day and come back soon."

Kuwabara stared blankly. He had no idea what she'd said in the past five minutes. She smiled at him for a second, then continued.

"My next question for you, Kuwabara, is this: Are you jealous of Hiei?"

"What's there to be jealous of?"

"He's about a trillion times more attractive than you in every way, and he's a better fighter. What's there NOT to be jealous of?"

"Uh... He's short."

"There's nothing wrong with that. It makes him cuter. What about Kurama? Are you jealous of Kurama and his trillions of fangirls?"

"No, because I have one girl and she's enough."

"Yukina, right? What would you do if she said she didn't love you?"

"She would never!"

"Do you find Hiei attractive?"

"**_What?!_**"

"I thought so."

"No!"

"Kurama?"

"No!"

"Yusuke?"

"No!"

"Koenma?"

"No!"

"Karasu?"

"**No!**"

"Keiko?"

"No! I mean, yes! I mean, well, she's--"

"Aw, I'm telling Yusuke you have the hots for his girl!"

"I didn't say that!"

"What are your thoughts on the current American government, Kuwabara? Do you want to help plot the assassination of one of America's highest government officials? Or will I have to send in my weasels? The imp informants tell me that security at the White House is really quite pathetic."

"What are you _talking_ about?"

"I don't know. Do you have a secret stash of money anywhere in your house?"

"None of your business!"

"Where is it?"

"If you think I, the great Kazuma Kuwabara, would ever tell you that I keep my money in my underwear drawer, you are sadly mistaken."

"That's okay, I don't want it now," the girl said, turning green.

"What?"

"WHY WOULD I WANT MONEY YOU KEPT WITH YOUR UNDERWEAR?"

"HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT'S WHERE I KEPT IT?"

**"YOU JUST TOLD ME!"**

"I did?"

"_I'M ASKING QUESTIONS, NOT YOU!_"

"SORRY!!!!"

"YOU HAD DAMN WELL BETTER BE SORRY, NINGEN!"

"I AM!"

"I KNOW!"

"THEN CAN WE STOP SHOUTING?"

"I LIKE SHOUTING!"

"I DON'T!"

"THEN WHY DO YOU DO IT SO MUCH?"

"I DON'T!"

"YES YOU DO!"

"NO I DON'T!"

"YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED SHOUTING BEFORE YOU EVEN STARTED, BUT NOW YOU'VE GOT ME ON A ROLL AND I WON'T STOP SHOUTING UNTIL SOMEBODY PUNCHES ME IN THE STOMACH AND KNOCKS THE BREATH OUT OF ME SO I HAVE TO GASP AND PANT, AND YOU WON'T DO THAT SINCE YOU'RE A PANSY WITH A HONOR CODE AND YOU WON'T HIT GIRLS!"

"PLEASE BE QUIET!"

"NO! AS A MATTER OF FACT, I THINK I'LL SHOUT... **LOUDER!**"

"**_WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE SCREAMING ABOUT IN THERE?!_**" Everyone stared at the door. Shadow leapt out of her chair and slammed into the floor in front of the door on her knees.

"It's the mighty voice from beyond the opaque obstacle! Identify yourself, one who speaks to us from the outside!"

"...Shadow?"

"You're not Shadow! _I'm_ Shadow!"

"No, you... Oh, forget it. Just stop yelling. You're irritating me and pissing off Kurama, so--"

Shadow threw open the door and hugged Hiei, dragging him inside the room in the process. Pinning him against the wall, she said, "I could bring you in here and interview _you_ next, but... I think I'll wait... People can send me questions for _you_ via review, email, telepathy, or they could show up at my front door if they felt it was that important. But the fans will have to wait. Because you're gonna be the most interesting to interview."

"What are you talking about?" the fire demon asked.

"The Great Authoress Shadow spake these words unto me: Shadow, thou shalt intervieweth the members of the organization known as 'Reikai Tantei.' Intervieweth them in a manner of interest to keepeth the fans' rabid minions away from me. Forsooth, woe is me if the minions reacheth my stronghold. Another word I will not write-eth until my soul can possess the capable body of a demon."

"Oh, God. You're acting on a commandment like _that_?"

"Yes I am."

"How did you even _understand_ her?"

"Because... SHE IS MY DARK HALF! WE THINK ALIKE! THE SPARROWS! OH, GOD, THE SPARROWS! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! AHHHH!"

Hiei stared. He was still pinned to the wall. Kuwabara slunk out of the room without Shadow's notice while she wailed and cried about sparrows. Once in the hall, he took off running as fast as he could. Eclipse hung out the doorway and video taped him as far as she could, until he was out of sight. She'd kept the camera focused on him the entire time, even though the interview hadn't continued once Hiei had spoken through the door.

Faintly, downstairs, she heard the front door slam. Shrugging, she leaned back into the room.

"Hey Sha-- Oh, must you do that? On _tape?_"

"Do what?" Shadow said innocently, wiping her mouth on the back of her hand and looking around curiously. Hiei sighed.

"You just video taped that, Eclipse?"

"Well, Shadow _did_ say love sells..." the girl replied innocently.

"Sell? You're selling this?"

"No, we're just trying to get a lot of peoples' attentions so they won't forget Authoress Shadow while she writes a long story," Shadow replied. "I guess having us make out could get peoples' attentions, though I hadn't intended for it to be on the tape... Oh well!" She pressed her lips against Hiei's again, then pulled back and released him from the body pin she'd held him against the wall with. "You're free to go, dragonfly."

Hiei left the room, muttering to himself and flipping off the camera as he walked down the hall.

"That was quite uncalled for. Now, back to-- Hey, where'd Kuwabara go?!"

"He ran away when you were making out with Hiei."

"What! Why didn't you stop him?"

"You didn't tell me to! You just told me to video tape everything! So I was, and he got away during that and it's NOT MY FAULT! Because I'm not security, too! That would be too much work and too little pay!"

"You aren't _getting_ paid."

"EXACTLY!"

"Besides, _I'm_ security!" Shadow snapped.

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

They got closer with each 'fine' until Shadow hit her head off the camera lens.

"Fi--OW!"

Thud.

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**Okay, here. List of people left to interview: Koenma, Karasu (Shadow wants to!), Kurama, Hiei. Possibly Botan, Keiko, Shizuru, Yukina... You can submit questions for any of these people, and also suggest who else can be interviewed... Also... I think there was something else but I forget... Durn it.**

**I HAVE BEEN BRANDED WITH THE MARK OF THE BAKA! -Me (Put me, Mello Yello, my best friend, and post-it notes in Japanese class and that's what you get.)**


	3. Time to Play Who is Gay?

**(12-8-04)  
In the last chapter:** The thing Shadow said about the dark half and the sparrows is from the Stephen King book I was ranting about a while ago. "The Dark Half." It's a good book…  
**To all reviewers:** Thank you all. Pyschopathic Maniac Girl was the first reviewer with the first request of who to interview next and voila. She's special. Karasu, boys and girls! This chapter is screwed up.  
**To: TrekieGreenieShannaraElfOfMe-** I want to know how you plan on stealing Captain Archer's soul. Because I like him. He's cool. Though he tends to get beat up a lot...  
**To: Bluespark-** "I could drink my own blood if it weren't for last night." Think about it. She was talking about drinking virgin blood. She says she could drink her own, if it weren't for last night. In other words she's not a virgin. However, she was joking so it doesn't matter.  
**To the general Yu Yu Hakusho-watching public:** After listening to 'Eternal Requiem' I have a question. What's the deal with Sensui and Itsuki? Are they like... a couple? Cuz... It sure makes it sound that way.  
I hope there aren't any errors in this chapter cuz I didn't run it through spelcheck. Though I did proofread it twice and have two friends read it...  
**ONWARD! TO THE INTERVIEW WITH A GAY DUDE! **

**-IMAGINARY HORIZONTAL LINE GOES HERE!-**

**CHAPTER THREE  
**Time to Play "Who is Gay?"

"And here we have Shadow Jaganshi eating ramen in preparation for our next interview!" Eclipse said, focusing the camera on the said girl. She came into view upside-down. "She's upside-down because I have the power to defy gravity and am standing on the ceiling."

"You have the power to lay on a chair with your head hanging off. Get up before all the blood rushes to your head and you drop the camera and break it and we can't interview anymore."

Eclipse rolled off the chair instantly and sat upright. "So who're we interviewing next?"

Shadow looked at her thoughtfully, freezing with her chopsticks still in her mouth. "Whoever is the next person who... uh... speaks my name. Other than you and the two we've already gotten."

"They're not here anyway. They left once you got through with tormenting them," Eclipse pointing out.

"Pansies."

"I personally think we should interview Toguro."

"That's because you love him. Pity he's in the Purgatory or whatever."

"I don't love him! That disgusting-looking Arnold Shwarzeneggar wannabe!"

"But he's so muscley. Don't you go for that?"

"You're sick! You love Hiei!"

"Oh, yeah, you love _Kurama_, that's why you deny loving Toguro! Because you go for the feminine gentlemen with the psycho pervert alter-egos."

"You're gross, Shadow. You love Youko, then."

"Ha! Oh, yes, I love him so much..."

"Oh yeah, well you love... Um..."

"Um? That's an interesting person."

"Hey Shadow..."

Shadow looked up, Eclipse snapped the camera up to look at the new speaker.

"Karasu?!" Shadow yelped.

"That's it! You love _Karasu!_" Eclipse accused.

"No! You're sick! Kuwabara loves Karasu!"

"Well you love Kuwabara, so you can just go off and do that sort of thing!"

"Hey wait a second, you said my name!" Shadow shouted, pointing at Karasu. "You said my name! You're not a tantei, but that's okay! This could be fun!" She leapt over the back of the couch and tackled Karasu, pinning him to the ground.

"Um... What are you doing?" the demon asked.

"Wait a second, why are you in my house?" Shadow asked, confused.

"Because... I needed to ask you something. It's a very profound question and I'm not sure you can help me, but you're the only girl I know who treats me like a normal person, so I came to you."

"Aw, that's so sweet!" Eclipse cooed. Shadow flung a conveniently-placed brick over her shoulder and hit the other girl in the head.

"Is this something you wouldn't talk to a guy about?" she asked.

"Well, from what I know, ningen girls are supposed to be more understanding of love and things like that, so I came to you."

"Yes, but I'm not a ningen. However, I understand 'love and things like that.' I'm making a wild guess here, but is this about Kurama?"

"Well, erm... Yes."

"You're still going after him?"

"Of course!"

"We'll discuss this later, Karasu. I've got to get on with the interview."

"Interview?"

"The Great Authoress Shadow spake these words unto me: Shadow, thou--" she started majestically, but was cut off.

"Oh, come on, you're obeying orders from _her_?" Karasu asked incredulously.

"Of course I am! She's my other half. Unfortunately, I haven't succeeded in completely controlling her mind, so she's still the boss... Wait, how did you know about her?"

"I've, uh... Spoken with her... A couple times."

Shadow stared cluelessly. "Uh... Right. Okay then. On with the interview. TO THE INTERVIEW ROOM!" She grabbed Karasu's wrist and dragged him to his feet and headed for the sparsely furnished Room of Interviewing.

Once inside the room, she locked the door, sat in her recliner, and snapped up a fairly stable chair for Karasu.

"So what exactly is going on here?" the demon asked.

"**I'M ASKING THE QUESTIONS!**"

"Eeek!"

"Now, Mr. Karasu, what were your very first thoughts when you set eyes on Kurama?"

"The first time I set eyes on Kurama? I had no thoughts. I was too startled by his perfect beauty."

"Ah," Shadow said, nodding. "He can do that to a person."

"His hair is especially captivating... Such a brilliant color against his smooth, fair skin..."

"Uh...huh..." Shadow said, nodding again. "Next question, Karasu. And please get control of yourself."

"Huh? Oh. Gomen, Shadow."

"Yes. Now, what are your thoughts on Kuwabara?"

"Ew, that ugly ningen boy?"

"Yes. And I think that answers the question. Next question: Why do you like blowing stuff up all the time?"

"It's a very effective way to kill, or torture, or move large objects out of your way, or intimidate... I think explosives are a better weapon than anything else I could handle."

"Interesting. Now, Karasu, when the Toguros beat you and forced you to join them, did you have a secret relationship with the elder brother?"

"Even if we had, and I told you, it wouldn't be secret anymore! So I'm not going to tell you that we did!"

Shadow gagged. "I _thought_ there was something slightly homosexualesque about that little freakazoid..." She paused. "The next question that came to my mind was 'what is it like' but I don't think I want to know. Besides, it was a secret relationship, right? So I don't even know about it! Jolly good! Let's move along. Next question: When is the last time you cried?"

"Cried? I don't think I have ever cried... Except perhaps as a very small child when my father abused me..."

"Aww, you had an abused childhood? Did your father sexually molest you?"

"...Yes..."

"Oh, that's so sad! And gross. Did he sell your body to strangers to do with what they pleased for a day or two?"

"...Sometimes..."

"Have you _ever_ had sex with a woman?"

"...No..."

Shadow sighed. "You poor, deprived man. From what I've heard from certain people, it's a very wonderful experience."

"Really?"

"I dunno. I'm just repeating what Youko said. However, some people, I've noticed, even among humans, find pleasure in a wide variety of ways. And demons, especially, are oddly excited by the screams of their dying victims..."

Karasu nodded. "Yes. I've felt that way. Kurama's screams before he killed me..." He shivered, grinning devilishly. "Sensual."

Shadow shuddered. "Ew. You're just a little disgusting, Karasu. But that's okay, I respect your... uh... self-expression. We're going to move on to the next question now, okay?"

"Okay."

"Hm... I guess asking you your thoughts on gay rights would be stupid."

"Yes, it would," Eclipse agreed.

"Butt out, cameragirl," Shadow snapped. "However, Karasu, how would _you_ like to help me destroy a certain asshole highest-official-in-the-USA?"

"Why would I do that?"

"Don't screams of dying victims excite you?"

"Sometimes."

"Does it make you want to have feral animal sex with the nearest attractive humanoid creature?"

"Um..."

"Is this interview a bit to R-rated for the PG-13 rating on this story?"

"Maybe..."

"Well I don't think so. Now, Karasu! Would you like a peppermint?"

"What?"

"A peppermint!" The girl pulled a container of Altoids out of her pocket. "Want one?"

"Um..."

"You probably need it. Here." She took one mint out, then handed him the entire container. "Minty fresh breath is appealing to people."

Karasu raised an eyebrow. "Does Kurama like it?"

"Probably, but having fresh breath isn't enough to make him like you," she said. "Though it'd probably be better you have good breath than bad breath if you ever get close enough for him to smell it. One less thing to be repulsed by."

"Am I really repulsing?"

Shadow sat back and looked at him. Scrutinized him. Examined every inch of his body.

"You're actually kind of attractive, Karasu."

"Kind of? Really?"

"Yeah. You still have the whole creepy vampire look going on, and some people might be repelled by that, but others might find it extremely hot," she said. She looked him over again. "I think we could work on a new look for you. When's the last time you changed your outfit?"

"I don't know..."

"We need to get you a new look. New clothes. New... interests. Maybe Yusuke could teach you the fine points of heterosexuality. Porn and all that jazz."

"Porn?"

"Never mind. We'll work on making you at least _seem_ normal... Who knows. Kurama might be flattered by the outrageous lengths you're going to in order to get to him and he might start considering you a friend. That's one step closer!"

"Wow, Shadow..." Karasu said, smiling. "You're the most wonderful person I know... Except for Kurama, of course."

"Of course," Shadow agreed. "Now, I think we've done more discussing than interviewing, though I did manage to find out a bit about your past and your secret relationship with elder Toguro that you didn't tell me about, and thus it remains secret. I think I'm accomplished. But just out of curiosity, and since I asked about Kuwabara, what do you think of Yusuke?"

"Yusuke? He's... okay, I guess."

"And what about Hiei?"

"Hiei? Hiei is nice. He's very attractive, but he just isn't the same as Kurama..."

"He had a shitty childhood too, you know. You two have something in common. But he doesn't like you because you abused Kurama, and they're best friends."

"They aren't more than that, are they?" Karasu asked worriedly.

"No!" She paused. "I don't think."

"What?"

"Shadow!" Eclipse yelped. "You're gross! You know Hiei isn't gay!"

"They're demons! They're weird! Just look at Karasu and Toguro, who had a secret relationship that I don't know about! They're demons, and they're gay!"

"You're sick!"

Shadow shrugged. "On with the interview. Karasu, does the number sixty-nine have any significance with you?"

"No."

"We're going to play word association, okay? I'll say a word, and you say the first word that comes to your mind. I won't hold any of this against you. Want to?"

"I guess..."

"Here goes: first word: death."

"Beauty."

"Angel."

"Death."

Shadow paused, then pulled a notebook out of her pocket (it was oddly a lot bigger than what would seem to fit, but oh well), pulled a pen out of her sleeve, and wrote some things down. She looked at the page for a second, then continued.

"Sex."

"Kurama."

She scribbled something else. "How about 'apple'?"

"Uh... Tree?"

Scribble. "Sword."

"Blood."

Scribble. "Blood."

"Pain."

Scribble. "Rape."

"...Kurama?"

Shadow sighed and wrote something. Eclipse moved around to get behind her and try to see what she was writing, and the fire demon girl held the notebook against her chest, hiding the page. "What about 'water,' Karasu?"

"Torture?"

"I won't even ask." She wrote something. "Lust."

"Kurama."

"Would you stop using sexual words!?" Eclipse cried. Shadow wrote something else, then looked up.

"What have 'blood,' 'sword,' 'water,' and 'apple' got to do with sex? I mean, normal sex," she asked curiously.

"They have a connection, in your mind."

"Yes, but that's beside the point. We're analyzing Karasu. Now, Karasu. What about 'chair.'"

"Sit?"

"Black."

"Night."

"Night."

"Dark."

"Dark."

"Night?"

Shadow scrunched up her face thoughtfully, scribbled a few more things on the paper, and set it on her lap face-down. She pulled something else out of her pocket (something which also looked like it shouldn't have fit in the first place).

"Do you know what these are?" she asked, holding them up.

"No. What?"

"Inkblot cards."

Eclipse walked around and stood behind Karasu so she could see them right.

"So what?" the demon asked.

"I want you to look closely at each one as I hold it up and tell me what you see. First one is this."

She held up a card.

"I see... A splatter of ink. No, blood. No, it looks like... Toguro."

Eclipse raised an eyebrow. Shadow did the same, flipping the card around to look at it herself.

"Strange. I see a splash of water like somebody just fell in." She shrugged. "But if it looks like Toguro to you..."

She wrote something down and held up another card.

"A mind. A very complex mind."

Shadow shrugged and took another note. Held up another card. Got another weird answer. Finally, about three minutes later, she'd finished her psychoanalysis.

"Okay, Karasu. My amazing powers have allowed me to draw what is in your mind. Are you ready for this?"

"Um..."

"Good to hear." She held up her notebook so Karasu could see what she'd written. Eclipse zoomed in on the page.

Shadow had written all her notes in just such a way that they formed a drawing. Of Kurama. In the background was blood, carnage, sex, and a fruit tree orchard.

"...Is the orchard symbolic of something, Shadow?" Eclipse asked as Karasu examined the paper with a puzzled look.

"Karasu, were you ever raped in a tree orchard?"

"Um... No..."

"Did you ever rape somebody in an orchard?"

"No..."

"Does the orchard have any particular significance to you?"

"No..."

"Maybe I just zoned out and drew the wrong thing." Shadow looked at her paper. "Oh. Yeah. I think that's supposed to be Toguro." She made some adjustments, then held it back up. "Is this accurate? You think of the one you had, the one you want, blood, sex, and carnage."

"That's pretty accurate... How did you do that?"

"Now if I told you, it wouldn't be secret anymore, would it? You'd have to be my student in the art of mind reading, and I don't have time to train somebody in such a complex thing as this. So we'll just keep it quiet."

"Um... All right..."

"I still don't know about your secret relationship with Toguro, by the way, but I do have another question. Was the entire Toguro team gay?"

"I'm not sure Bui was, but he might have been. I'm not sure about Sakyo either. He started liking that one girl... The sister of the human boy."

"Shizuru? Yeah, I guess so... But the Toguro brothers both were? And you are, too, of course."

"Yes, I think so..."

"But before Toguro beat you... You and Bui were travelling together, were you not?"

"Yes..."

"Was there anything between you?"

"Well... Maybe."

"There WAS! The entire Toguro team was _gay_! Wait until prejudiced Yusuke hears _this!_" She jumped up and darted to the door, unlocked it, and pulled it open just as Kurama left his bedroom and started down the hall. Abandoning her original objective of finding a telephone and calling Yusuke, she flew down the hall and tackled him.

"Guess what!"

"Um..."

"The entire Toguro team was gay!"

Kurama's eyes widened slightly. "Who told you that? Because I have a suspicion and if I'm right--"

Karasu peeked out of the doorway of the Room of Interviewing. The color drained out of Kurama's face and he struggled out from under Shadow.

"Why is Karasu here?"

"He came to get advice for something involving you, but I interviewed him instead."

"Interviewed?!"

"Yes. And now..." She grabbed Kurama's wrist and dragged him towards the Doorway to the Room of Interviewing. As she got closer, the redhead put up more resistance, but she managed to get him there and push him past Karasu into the room.

"Karasu, I'll tell you what." She sniffed at his clothes. "You smell terrible. Why don't you go take a shower while I interview Kurama. Go to the downstairs shower... The bathroom up here has some... issues. Then, when you're done, and I'm done, we'll work on your new image."

"New image?!" Kurama blurted, looking incredulously between the two people in front of him.

"Yes. Karasu is going to try out some new looks. In fact, we might need your help, so you'll stick around once I'm done interviewing you. Karasu won't bite. Go on, Karasu. The fox will still be here when you're done," Shadow said. Reluctantly, Karasu left. Shadow shut and locked the door, and was instantly pinned to it by a deranged-looking Kurama.

"**WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?**"

"What? He's not _that_ bad."

"Maybe not to you," Kurama pouted, crossing his arms. "You haven't been stalked by him since he was revived by a fool with a pacifier who allowed himself to be bribed with squid... Put my sanity at stake for _squid_. Bastard."

"Now, now, Kurama, stop muttering to yourself. Karasu has been living nearby for quite some time. In the forest. You never noticed?"

"_WHAT?_"

"**I'M ASKING THE QUESTIONS!!!**"

Thud.

"Kurama?"

"I think you killed him, Shadow."

**-IMAGINARY HORIZONTAL LINE GOES HERE SINCE IT WON'T LET ME MAKE A REAL ONE!!!-**

Okay kids, a few things: if you have any ideas for **Happy Christmas**, I hope to finish it sometime in the near future, but I am BRAINDEAD for ideas (that's why I stopped in the first place). So, any ideas will be appreciated. ANY IDEAS! YES, EVEN THAT STUPID ONE YOU THINK I'D NEVER CONSIDER! I MIGHT GET AN IDEA FROM IT! **TELL ME!!!** **_NOW!!!_** But remember, that story takes place nearly a year ago, when Shadow was still fifteen, Hiei was still pissy (he's a lot pissy-er in that story than in my more recent ones), and there wasn't much of a closeness relationship between the two of them. **GIVE ME YOUR IDEAS WILLINGLY OR I WILL TAKE THEM BY FORCE! I WILL SEND OUT MY MINIONS!  
-Shadow**


	4. Hey! Wandering Hands!

**(12-17-04)** Only, what, eight days until Christmas? And I haven't updated Happy Christmas... I'M WORKING ON IT! ::cries::  
Now... Oh yeah! I just remembered a half a thousand and four ideas I had for this story... Coolness... I'm staying up tonight. Late. Reading, writing, downloading... Then sleeping through my alarm and missing my shows tomorrow morning... Oh well. Missed 'em last week too.  
Sorry if you found some stuff in the last chapter objectionable... But it's Karasu. What do you expect?  
Arigatou to the reviewers...  
**My "winter holiday" to be politically correct, consists of me getting out early the 22nd and I go back to school January 3rd.**  
Onward...

**

* * *

**

**CHAPTER FOUR  
**Wandering Hands

"What are we gonna do about Kurama?" Eclipse asked, focusing the camera on the redhead Shadow was currently propping in a chair.

"Wake him up and interview him."

"...How?"

"We're gonna have Karasu and Hiei do sexual things to his unconscious body," she said sardonically, rolling her eyes. Then she said, more seriously, "What do you THINK we're gonna do, you idiot?" She slapped Kurama right across his pretty face... and shortly found a thorned vine wrapped around her wrist. "Ow."

"Oh. Shadow. It's just you," Kurama said, his green eyes focused on her. Yet the vine didn't withdraw.

"You're hurting my arm."

"I know."

"Could you stop?"

"No."

She gave him a pathetic "Why me?" look.

"You knowingly had my gay pervert stalker living in the forest around your house. He could have come and tried to rape me any time he wanted. You were practically giving him permission."

"Was not."

"Yeah right, Shadow."

"Would you really have cared? I thought you demons didn't care so much about genders? Isn't that why he's so fascinated by you in the first place? Wouldn't that be why his father didn't see it wrong to sexually molest him?"

Kurama opened his mouth to retort, then blinked. "He what?"

"Yeah! That poor guy had a very rough childhood!"

"Most demons do."

"Well then you can't blame him for being a little messed up."

"No, it's not right for me to, by human morals and all, but I do," the fox replied. "The Youko half of me doesn't give a shit about his past."

"Heartless bastard of a fox."

"Don't tell me you actually _like_ Karasu?!"

"He's not as bad as he seems. I think he's actually kind of more like a scared child inside."

"What do you know about _inside_ him?"

"All kinds of things, and you can take that any way you want," Shadow said. She grinned devilishly at Kurama's disgusted look. "Anyway, remove this vine from me, unless you want me sitting on your lap while I interview you."

"He probably wouldn't mind," Eclipse pointed out. The vine withdrew instantly.

"If you sit on my lap, you're likely to die," he said. Shadow wasn't paying attention. She was staring at her arm.

"It's bloody."

"Kurama! Look what you did! What will Hiei say?" Eclipse reprimanded.

"I don't give a shit."

The girl blinked, surprised and confused. "Do you think he'll really say that?"

"No, I was saying that _I_ don't give a shit what Hiei says. Now what is this interview you're talking about?"

"I ask you questions. You answer them," Shadow said, licking her wounds.

"...Ah."

"And afterwards, you're going to help us find a new look for Karasu."

Kurama shuddered. "You just had to say that, didn't you. Youko is whispering lewd suggestions of things to do to you in order to delay the 'afterwards' part..."

Shadow snapped her fingers, an excited look on her face. "That's it! I wanna interview Youko first!"

"What?!" Kurama yelped.

"Transform! I wanna interview Youko! Think about it. It's beneficial for you, too, cuz then when you're done, you'll already be hidden behind the more powerful form of you, the one who doesn't cringe away from Karasu, the one who understands the ways of the demons. You won't have to transform once he's already nearby and give the raven guy a chance to rape you before you get the chance to switch forms," Shadow said. Kurama thought for a second. "Hey! Come on, if you don't do it willingly I'll help the fox out."

Kurama stared. "Dare I ask how?"

"I'll lure him out. You'll be dumbstruck and he'll be drooling and lusting and thus more powerful and he'll just appear without a problem!" Shadow said cheerfully. "Come on, transform on your own so I don't have to give you a lap dance or something."

A few seconds later, Youko had replaced the redhead. He looked unhappy.

"Man, stupid Shuuichi. I wanted to stay inside so you'd do that... But now you won't..."

"No, I won't. The most you'll get is a kiss. But that's only if you're a good boy and answer all my questions truthfully the first time I ask them."

"That depends, sadly, on what you're going to ask."

"First question, Youko Kurama, is this: WHY THE HELL DID YOU BOTCH THAT THIEVERY SEVENTEEN YEARS AGO?!"

"It wasn't my fault!" he yelped. "I didn't expect that hunter to be there and I was distracted and... and... and..."

Shadow nodded. "I see. You have a superiority complex, Youko. What do you think of that?"

"I think you're wrong. I don't _think_ I'm superior, I _am_ superior."

"Depends on who you're comparing yourself to. Do you think you're superior to Hiei?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Eclipse?"

"Yes."

"Yusuke?"

"Yes."

"Kuwabara?"

"Shadow, that's a very stupid question. There's no 'I think I am' about Kuwabara!"

"True. What about me? Do you think you're superior to me?"

"Yes."

"WELL YOU'RE WRONG!" Shadow laughed maniacally for a bit before continuing. "Next question, Youko: What influenced you into becoming a thief in the first place?"

"I was bored. I'd become a master at controlling plants, nothing was a challenge anymore, so I started stealing."

"If you were so great, why did you need a partner?"

"What do you mean?"

"Everybody talks about the great thief Youko Kurama, but what about the great thief's partner, Kuronue?"

"What _about_ Kuronue?" Youko asked.

"I just think he deserved as much respect as you do. Even if he is dead."

Youko didn't say anything.

"Which brings me to my next question. Some people were wondering... What exactly was your relationship with Kuronue?"

"What do you mean? We were partners."

"Like, Kurama and Hiei partners, or... Karasu and Toguro partners?" She made crude hand signals to define exactly what she meant.

"Karasu and Toguro were... like that?" he asked, looking disgusted. "Together?"

Shadow nodded. "It's a secret. Don't tell."

"Which Toguro...?"

"Probably both, but the little one is the one he specified."

Youko blanched. "I'm gonna be nauseous."

"Okay, which brings us back to the question of your relationship with Kuronue."

"_What_ relationship?!"

"THAT'S WHAT I WAS GONNA ASK YOU!"

Youko winced. "I'm deaf now, Shadow. Thank you."

"You're welcome. And the way you keep **not** answering my question is making me mighty suspicious... You demons and your not caring about genders... I guess it wouldn't be _wrong,_ but--"

"There was nothing between us!" Youko snapped. "He was my partner. In _crime_, nothing more."

"You sure?"

"Yes. I'm sure."

"Did you ever have a relationship with another male?"

"No."

"Damn."

"You're gross. Even if I had, what business is it of yours?!"

"I'm supposed to be diving deep into the minds of the Reikai tantei here! That is what The Great Authoress Shadow spake unto me!"

"And yet you interviewed Karasu? He's NOT a tantei."

"He said my name, though. I said I'd interview the next person to speak my name and it was him. He just strolled right on into my living room... Said 'Hey, Shadow,' and his fate was sealed..."

"And so, apparently, is mine..."

"So what are your thoughts on gay rights, Youko? I know as a demon, you don't really care about ningen rights, but answer me anyway."

"I don't really care. They can be gay if they want, it doesn't effect me."

"Okay... So, Youko..." She thought for a second. "Why did you choose Shiori Minamino to plant your soul in?"

"She was the first pregnant woman I came across... She was at the right stage for it to work, in theory... I'm very lucky, you know. It was a very, _very_ unstable procedure... Dozens of things coudl have gone wrong."

Shadow nodded solemnly. "Indeed, indeed... We're all very grateful that God was on your side and all that jazz, Youko Kurama, most sought-after bed partner of the Makai."

"I don't understand you, Shadow," the fox murmured, leaning forward a bit. "You admit I'm attractive, and you know most demons would wage war to sleep with me, and yet when I _ask_ you to sleep with me, you won't. Most people would _pay_ to. They'd do _anything_. Why don't you take up my offers?"

"First off, I don't recall ever admitting you're attractive. To answer your question, even though _I'M_ SUPPOSED TO BE ASKING THE QUESTIONS, I don't want to sleep with you because I'm a virgin sixteen-year-old halfbreed with plans for the future which do not involve carrying a fox child."

"You know we can have sex without you getting pregnant, right?"

"Yes, we could, but you wouldn't want to, because if I bore your child, you would insist I spent the rest of my life with you."

"True, or I could just put my mark on you."

"WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS? I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, FOX!"

"You were talking about it because Youko wanted to know why you don't want to have sex with him," Eclipse told her.

"Oh. Okay. But I'm gonna ask another question now. Since you are the most sought-after bed partner of the Makai, I'm just curious: how many people have actually shared your bed? Or do I want to know?"

"You probably don't want to know."

"Is that why I've also heard you called 'slut of the Makai'?"

"Who called me that?!"

"...Um... A little birdy..." She whistled innocently.

"Hiei," Youko snarled.

"What? Whatever would make you think such a foolish thing? Hiei would never insult you! He has too much respect for you! Sure, you're constantly harassing me and stuff, but he still respects you and would _never_ call you a slut, Youko!" Shadow told him with exaggerated flattering honesty which made it clear she was lying.

"Suuure..." the fox muttered. "Wait'll I get out of this room. That little twirp will be hearing about this..."

"No, because when you get out of this room you're going to turn back into Shuuichi and help me get Karasu a new look."

"WOULD YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM?"

Shadow thought for a second. "I have a question."

"I expect you do..."

"If you could choose between sex and a major ego boost, which would you choose?"

"What do you mean ego boost?"

"I mean, if I sat here and complimented everything about you and told you how wonderful you are, would you rather I did that or had sex with you?"

Youko's jaw dropped a bit and he stared. "I... Um, both?"

"Both? How would that work?"

"You know... You'd know more about me afterwards. There'd be more to compliment."

Shadow snorted. "Yeah. Okay. Sure."

"Will you?!" the fox said hopefully.

"Eclipse will," the girl replied. "Though I'm sure she wouldn't be as wonderful as me, she'll have to do, because I'm not about to--"

"SHADOW! I'M NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING SEXUAL WITH THAT FREAK!" Eclipse screamed.

"Shut up and record like you're being paid to," Shadow snapped.

"I'm not being paid."

"WELL I'M NOT BEING PAID TO HAVE SEXUAL IMAGES IMPLANTED IN MY HEAD BY DEMONS WHO MAKE ME ASK SEXUAL QUESTIONS!"

Eclipse blinked. "They aren't making you do _anything_, far as I can tell."

"Well you can't tell very far now can you? Youko only has sex on his mind, so what else could I talk about?"

"I don't know..."

"Well, then, Youko. What do you think of the current American government?"

"I don't really know anything about the current American government."

"That's cool. Just say 'it sucks.'"

"Uh... it sucks?"

"See? He doesn't know anything about anything but sex, fighting, and stealing."

"You're the one who wanted to interview him..."

Youko sighed. "I'm being talked about when I'm right here..." The girls didn't hear him and they commenced their argument. After about five minutes, when Shadow had thrown herself at Eclipse and carefully removed the camera from her hands and set it on the table, then slammed into her full force, fists flying, Youko decided that was enough. The camera girl was being turned into a bloody, bruised pulp. He got up and went to Shadow, grabbing her wrists and pulling her to her feet in front of him.

"Calm down, Shadow," he purred. She glared at him.

"Leggo my eggo," she snapped. Youko abruptly pulled her into a passionate kiss. Eclipse looked around frantically for the camera and lunged for it, grabbing it and focusing on the pair. Youko's hands were wandering...

"Hey, wandering hands!" Eclipse snapped. Shadow managed to pull back and slap the fox across the face as hard as she could.

"The interview**_ee_** is to remain seated at all times!" she snapped. Eclipse blinked.

"That's it?"

"And no wandering hands!" Shadow added. Eclipse sighed.

"I think you don't dislike Youko as much as you say you do."

"Whaddayou mean?" the other girl asked quickly.

"I mean that you're having an INTERNAL CONFLICT whether you want to continue loving Hiei, or give up on him and go for the more sexually satisfying slut of Makai, Youko Kurama."

Shadow's eyes narrowed. "I don't love Hiei. And I don't see what would be more satisfying about Youko."

"So many things, Shadow. Soooo many things," Youko murmured in her ear.

"I'll tell Hiei you said that, then," she retorted. "Now sit down, I wanna finish this interview."

"What else could you possibly ask me? You already accused me of being in a sexual relationship with my old crime partner who, by the way, is dead. You asked me--"

"What are you most afraid of, Youko?" Shadow asked abruptly. The fox looked startled and annoyed that she'd interrupted him.

"I don't know."

"Not a good answer. Are you afraid of Karasu?"

"Not afraid as much as just loathing him... I don't fear."

"Fear is kind of important, though. You know that. Shuuichi told me so before... Actually, no, he said that in the story The Great Authoress Shadow is writing right now... At this very minute... While I sit here in a locked room with you, sitting in a comfortable recliner with refreshments as easy to get as a snap of the fingers, Great Authoress Shadow is slaving over her keyboard, typing day in and day out, never eating, not going to school, pulling out the throats of those who tell her to remove thyself from the computer chair, thinking, writing, getting excruciating pains in her knees from the ridiculous way she sits--"

"You're sitting the same way," Youko pointed out. Shadow realized that indeed she was sitting with her feet tucked up under her in her chair.

"Shut up you bastard!" She changed positions. "Ow, I can't feel my legs..."

Youko shrugged. "Your loss."

"No, they're there, see? I didn't lose them. But I can't feel them."

"This isn't much of an interview, you know. I think the Authoress will be disappointed by your failure to drain every speck of information out of me that you can."

"Well why don't you just tell us about yourself, fox. Save me the trouble."

"No."

"Okay then, how about if I ask you... What does it feel like to have your soul RIPPED from your body and implanted in Hiei?"

"What? Oh. Yeah. That." Youko sighed. "That was interesting, to say the least."

"What exactly did you find out by being in his mind?"

"A lot of stuff about him, but I cared more about the things he knew about you."

Shadow narrowed her eyes. "Things neither you nor Hiei should know, I'm willing to bet."

"Measurements and those sorts of things. What you talk about in your sleep. Secrets you've told Eclipse that she told him and he indirectly informed me of, so now the entire world knows."

Shadow blinked. "Are you a Gossip Queen, Youko?"

"**EW**, no."

"Okay then. How about I ask you... How you became so good at singing opera."

"Opera?"

"Remember when I was locked in my bedroom and Hiei made you sing opera? Some opera you'd never seen or heard before and you sang it quite beautifully. How did you become such a good opera singer?"

"I didn't know I _was_."

"You are. You should have made a profession out of singing opera."

Youko snorted. "Opera isn't a highly appreciated music form in the Makai."

"I can understand why. I hate it."

The fox blinked. "That... makes... no sense. You sing opera all the time."

"Yes, and I rap all the time too, but I hate rap. I hate rap with a _passion_!" She shook her fist in Youko's face and he leaned away from her, eyes wide. "With every fiber of my BEING!" She slammed her hands down on the table. "I hate it! I _loathe_ and _abhor_ it! Detest! Despise! ANATHEMATIZE IT!!!"

Youko blinked. "Okay."

Shadow sat down, folding her hands in her lap and looking dignified and calm. "So what are your plans for the future, Mr. Kurama?"

Eclipse snorted back laughter and Youko stared.

"I... uh... Well..." he stuttered after a minute.

"Do you think there's ever a possibility you will be able to separate completely from Shuuichi in such a way that would leave both of you fit to pursue your own personal paths in life?"

"I doubt it, actually," Youko admitted. "But I could just leave him in the back of my head for sixteen years and go to Makai anyways. That's what he did to me."

"Yes, but he didn't know _how_ to let you out. Now he's more worried about keeping you _in_," Shadow said. "Because when you're out, bad things happen to certain halfbreed fire demon girls."

Youko shook his head. "You're so distrusting."

"Back to the question of your future, what will happen if Shuuichi's body meets an unfortunate accident?"

"He'll die."

"Well _yes_, but what of _you_?"

"I'll either be like this, or I'll be unable to create a corporeal body and have to go fetus-searching again." He sighed. "Maybe you'll be pregnant and I'll be able to hide myself in your child."

Shadow laughed at first, like it was a hysterically funny idea, then abruptly stopped and looked utterly disgusted. "_NO!_"

Youko blinked, looking innocently confused. "Why not?"

"Because if I have a child that has your soul, and you, having your strength and all, manage to somehow..." She made weird hand motions and noises that, together, were roughly translated to, 'If you manage to take over the body of my child and force it out of existence, like alchemy or something, trading my child for you...' After about three minutes of these hand motions, twitches, and strange noises, she continued in comprehensible Japanese.

"Then you'd be my _SON!_" She shrieked and fell out of her chair, twitching on the floor.

Youko was utterly baffled. He didn't speak the language of squishy noises and hand motions. He understood what Shadow had just said about as well as he would have understood a llama, had it decided to talk to him. Llamas and foxes did not speak the same language. Apparently foxes and Shadows didn't either.

"Shadow?" he questioned, standing up and leaning over the table to look down at the convulsing girl on the floor. When she only twitched more in response, he went around the table and knelt next to her. Eclipse eagerly taped it all.

Shadow made a gurgling screechy sound and directed her energies towards twitching and convulsing in such a way that she rolled away from the fox. It didn't work, because he grabbed her shoulder and shook her.

"Shadow! Are you okay?"

Snapping out of her convulsions very, very suddenly, she flung herself up and grabbed his shoulders, bringing a short, sharp yelp of surprise from him and knocking him back on his butt.

"NO I'M NOT OKAY! DO I _LOOK_ OKAY? JUST THE THOUGHT OF YOU EVER BECOMING MY CHILD MAKES ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF!" she screamed. Then she paused, looking down thoughtfully. "Or perhaps kill anyone who ever comes onto me in a way that could cause me to ever _have_ a child. Or perhaps I could just protect Shuuichi with my life to make sure that nothing unfortunate ever happens to his wonderful body."

Youko raised an eyebrow. "'His wonderful body,' is it?" He sighed sadly. "I feel very disliked right now."

"Whatever for?" the girl asked innocently.

"Because you refuse to acknowledge my undeniable sexiness but you say _Shuuichi Minamino_ has a 'wonderful body.'"

Shadow surveyed Youko. Then she asked conversationally, "Why do you have to be such a narcissistic son of a bitch?"

The fox blinked. "I'm not narcissistic. I'm just as close to perfect as any creature can be."

"Narcissist..." She snorted.

"I still feel unloved."

Shadow sighed. "Camera girl, compliment the fox so he'll shut up."

"No!" Eclipse retorted.

"DO IT! OR DIE! NOW!"

"Fine! Jeez... Um... Youko... You, uh... have nice hair?"

Shadow groaned and put her forehead on the seat of her chair. "Baka. You've got to be honest about it. Say it with _feeling!_"

"No!"

"Fine! I can't believe I have to teach you how to give compliments to an egotistical fox spirit... Let's just hope this doesn't lead anywhere it shouldn't." Her hands were still on Youko's shoulders, so she leaned up close to him, putting her face inches from his. "Youko..."

"Yes?"

"You're the most beautiful creature I have ever seen in my life," she purred seductively. Eclipse's jaw dropped. Shadow continued, one hand moving from the fox's shoulder to his chest. "You're so strong and sexy... I would just love for you to--"

Meanwhile, downstairs... You can't hear what Shadow's saying. Yep! That's what's going on downstairs. Oh look, Karasu just got out of the shower... Hiei's watching TV. Okay. Back upstairs.

"However, we can't do that because of Hiei," the girl finished, now straddling Youko, lying on his chest, their noses touching. The fox looked extremely pleased with his position (and perhaps with what Shadow had said, too), though he really would have preferred Shadow was below him...

"Damn Hiei," he murmured. Shadow grinned.

"We can do this, though." She closed the very, _very_ short distance between them and kissed him.

Eclipse, meanwhile, was absolutely disgusted (however, she had moved to get a better angle on the situation with the camera. Possible blackmail material?).

"This is messed up," she muttered. "I thought she loved Hiei."

Just then, the door opened and guess who was standing there?

"What the **_HELL_** is going on here?" Hiei shouted. Behind him, Karasu stared into the room with a bit of disappointment on his pale face. Shadow was instantly on her knees in front of Hiei, hugging his leg.

"OH MY GOD, THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME! THAT FOX WAS GONNA RAPE ME! HE TOLD ME THAT IF I DIDN'T KISS HIM, HE'D BE EVEN CRUELER ABOUT IT! AHHHH! YOU SAVED ME, HIEI, AND FOR THAT I AM ETERNALLY IN YOUR DEBT! I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU ASK OF ME!"

Youko stared, his eye twitching. Eclipse made some squeaky noises, but didn't manage to get out a sentence to tell the fire demon that Shadow was a lousy liar.

"We'll discuss it later," Hiei said simply. "Karasu says something about you helping him get Kurama?"

Shadow's eyes darted around the room. "I never said that."

"Maybe not in those exact words, but that's what you meant, isn't it?" Karasu said pleadingly.

"Uhm..." Shadow's eyes darted to Youko. "I... er... don't think so..."

"You don't _think so_!" Youko snapped.

Shadow whimpered, then jumped over to Karasu. "I'm sorry for your misinterpretation! Didn't I tell you Kurama hates you?"

"Well, yes... But..."

Youko stalked right up to Karasu, pushing past Hiei, and pointed his finger barely a centimeter away from the pervert's violet eye.

"I _hate_ you, Karasu." Then he walked away. They all watched him go, Eclipse recording him as he walked down the hall and into his room. Their attention, however, was diverted to Karasu when he sniffled sadly.

"That was uncalled for," he said. "He's putting me back in the frame of mind to kill him. But I don't WANT to kill him! I think I love him! Can you understand that?"

"Yes, I think-- Ack!" Shadow was cut off as Karasu abruptly hugged her tightly. Hiei's eye twitched.

"I don't wanna kill him!" Karasu wailed. "What should I do?!"

"How about you let go of Shadow?" Hiei snarled. Karasu instantly obeyed, fearing the death Hiei's voice promised if he dared defy him. The little demon grabbed Shadow's arm and pulled her away from Karasu. Eclipse was eagerly taping every second of it.

"Oooh, protective, aren't you?" she taunted. Hiei flipped her off. Karasu continued sniffling pathetically, looking like a child on the verge of tears.

"Wow, Karasu, you're in quite a predicament, aren't you?" Shadow said. "You wanna kill him but you don't. You love him but he hates you. You kill what you love, but you don't want to kill him because you love him too much. This is a really touchy issue. Hiei, why don't you talk to him."

"Me? Why?!"

"Because you... uh... You're a demon? And you know Kurama? And... You can give him advice on stuff."

"I don't _want_ to give him advice on _stuff_."

"Fine. But I wasn't finished interviewing Kurama."

"Yeah. Interviewing. That's what it looked like when I opened the door," Hiei muttered under his breath. Shadow kissed his cheek.

"I already begged forgiveness for that, dear. Don't be mad at me." She grinned to show she was joking, then headed down the hall to Kurama's bedroom. She knocked on the door. "Hey fox! Get back out here, I wasn't through talking to you!"

"Is Karasu still there?"

"Crying like an upset child."

"Tell him to go away."

Up the hall, Karasu made a choked, sobbing noise and shuffled away, shoulders slumped. Hiei watched him leave.

"He's gone," Shadow said once the front door had closed downstairs. Kurama, human again, stepped out of the room. She grabbed his wrist and dragged him to the Room of Interviewing. "We'll be back out in a little bit, Hiei. Then it's your turn."

"Oh joy," he said sarcastically. Then the door shut and he was alone in the hallway.

* * *

Just to let you know, there's nothing wrong with me. It's all Shadow, I told you. I believe there were some references to other stories/TV shows/books/movies/potatoes in this chapter and the last one, but I can't remember what... I know there was something in this chapter I wanted to put a note on... Oh yeah! The thing where she asks about the ego boost, that question came from reading "Pretty Youko." Never read it? It's on my favorites list.  
Ew, and another thing, the little Toguro, I say he's gay cuz also he said something about when him and his brother found Karasu and Bui, "They were a lot prettier then." And he said that thing about Kurama's hair, and... Yuck.  
And due to a screwed up joke between Eclipse and I, Karasu is now bisexual, not plain out gay... 


	5. Favoritism! You Bastard!

**(Thursday 12-23-04)** Wow, people. Only two days until Christmas... Technically really only one and a half... I'll probably update something on Christmas and rant about what I got in the perty lil' note up here that nobody reads anyway... If it's worth ranting about. It should be. Anyway... Thanks for reviews, etc etc etc, and if I don't update, Merry Christmas if you celebrate that, happy holidays if you don't... Anything else? Hm... Not that I can think of.

* * *

**CHAPTER FIVE  
**Favoritism!

"So, Kurama, you know the deal," Shadow said, sitting down across from him. He sighed.

"Yes, Shadow.

"State your name and age for the records."

"What records?!"

"STATE YOUR NAME AND AGE!"

"Which name?"

"You are Minamino Shuichi, age seventeen. Okay? Or you could be Kurama Shuichi, age unknown."

Kurama sighed. "Just ask a question, Shadow. I want to go home."

"Don't get that attitude with me, young man!"

"I'm older than you. But that's not important. Ask a question."

"Man, it's not as fun when they WANT me to..." She sighed, sinking back in her chair. "I'm hungry now. Can I eat your heart?"

"Nnnnooo..." Kurama said, staring at her.

"Why not? What do you need with a heart?!"

"I need it to live!" the boy snapped.

"Why do you need to live?"

"I _like_ living, thank you!"

"Really? Cuz I do too, and I find it amazing we have something in common."

"...What?"

"We're so different! I mean, I'm short with black hair and I'm a girl. You're tall with red hair and you're a fox human hybrid freak. FREAK! I'm stupid and you're smart. I'm young and you're old. I wear black, chains, and boots that make me look evil and you wear weird Chinese-kinda-style outfits that make you look all graceful and elegant and all. I act psychotic and you act dignified. I--"

"Shadow," Kurama said. She looked at him. "You're not doing a compare and contrast here."

"I know. I'm just doing a contrast."

"Fine. But that's not what you're supposed to be doing."

"Oh! Okay then!" She slammed her hands on the table. "Let's get started! Mr. Minamino, could you tell me how it feels to be superior to everybody else around you?"

_"WHY DOES SHE SAY YOU'RE SUPERIOR BUT SHE WON'T ACKNOWLEDGE ME?"_ Youko cried in the back of Kurama's head.

_"I think she was doing a bit of acknowledging on the floor with you before Hiei interrupted, Youko. Don't complain."_

Out loud, Kurama said, "It's really difficult. They think I'm like that naturally, but it really came with hundreds of years of experience... I was born with most of this knowledge. The only knowledge coming from my human experiences are the skills with ningen things. Ningen technology and such. And emotions."

"Ah yes. The fox was a cold-hearted bastard for hundreds of years, but then with the simple saving of a small child's life, he learned to love..."

Kurama blinked. "It wasn't just 'the simple saving of a small child's life', it was _my mother_, saving _me_ and thus saving _him_, and he could deny it all he wanted but it only took six years of a mother's love to fuck up his heart, as he says it."

"Hm," Shadow replied thoughtfully.

"Very profound, Shadow."

"Shut the fuck up." She thought for a second. "So, Kurama, what are your plans for the future?"

"I don't know," Kurama said. "The whole fox-soul thing kind of messes up the hope for a normal ningen future. Even if I become something normal to ningens, I'll still always have a fox whispering in the back of my head, and I'll still be able to grow beautiful flowers from seeds in two seconds, I'll have enhanced senses and more or less just be superior to everyone I'm around."

"Except me," Shadow corrected.

"Right," the boy said sarcastically. "But I might not live around you."

"Why wouldn't you?"

"Things happen."

"Oh?"

"He means that Hiei might suddenly decide to embrace his feelings fully, mate with you, mark you, and drag you around with him wherever he goes and thus you could end up in Makai when you're older, carrying a fire demon child or perhaps ending up in Mukuro's fortress while Hiei becomes full-time general of her armies and whatever instead of being her little minion to be called when needed as he is now," Eclipse translated.

"Now, how the hell did you get all that out of two words?" Shadow asked angrily.

"She's insightful?" Kurama said, not fully sure himself how she'd pinpointed what the Youko inside him had meant.

"He means that he's had many long discussions with you and knows you love him with every fiber of your being and want to--mmph!" Shadow's own mocking translation was cut short by a hand over her mouth.

"Are you going to finish that?" Kurama asked, glaring. Shadow shook her head.

"She's insightful because you've had many longs discussions and know each other better than I'd thought," she blurted as soon as he took his hand away. He glared. "On to the next question!"

"What if I refuse to answer questions now? You're being rude."

"Then I'll snap my fingers and the Great Authoress Shadow's Powers will allow me to create shackles on the wall from which I will hang you by your ankles. Sound fun?"

"No."

"Okay. Will you answer questions?"

"Depending on what they are. Ask away."

"Do you have feelings past friendship for Eclipse?"

"Are you asking if I love her?" Kurama asked.

"Mayyyyybe."

"Do you love Hiei?" the boy replied calmly.

"Don't answer a question with a question!" Shadow snapped.

"Well do you?"

"That's none of your business!"

"She does," Eclipse said. "Of course she does, it's very obvious. She sleeps with him, for goodness' sake!"

"Only occasionally," Shadow huffed.

"Which means really quite often," the other girl muttered under her breath.

"Shut up, fox-lover!"

"Hiei lover."

"I'll tell my mommy on you!"

"Your mommy is dead, Shadow."

The girl fake-sniffled. "YOU JUST HAD TO SAY THAT, DIDN'T YOU!" She fake-cried a bit. Kurama just sat there, watching with interest.

"We all know you're not that sensitive about people whom you suspect faked their deaths," he said eventually. "Stop it."

"Ah, shut up, fox," Shadow said. "For all you know, I was mourning the death of my Great-Aunt Sue."

"You have a Great-Aunt Sue?" Eclipse asked.

"For all _you_ know. Now, Kurama, let's move along. What are your thoughts on gay rights?"

"I don't care," he said. "It's not my concern to form opinions about it."

"What do you think of Japan's homeland security?"

Kurama didn't even get a chance to answer before she asked another question.

"Do you want to kill any high-ranking military officials?"

"N--"

"What did you want to be when you grew up?"

"What?"

"When you were a little child, what did you aspire to be as an adult."

"I _was_ an adult when I was a child," Kurama said. Shadow blinked.

"But what about Youko?"

"You should have asked _him_ that."

"I didn't think of it then!" Shadow said defensively.

"Too late, then."

_"Oh! Can I come out for another interview?"_

_"NO! You know full well you'll end up just pinning her to the floor and Hiei will walk in at a very inappropriate moment. Go away."_

_"I can't, though."_

Kurama ignored any more comments from his demon half.

"So, then..." Shadow sighed. "I can't ask you questions about your childhood because your real childhood was centuries ago and those questions should have been for Youko! So what shall I ask you... Hm..."

She got a look of intense concentration and shortly fell out of her chair, stiff as a board.

"OH, GOD, IT HURTS! My poor brain!" She lay on the floor thrashing for a moment before jumping up, remembering what had happened with the fox a short while ago when she'd been on the floor.

"You okay now?"

"So, Kurama, if you found Karasu lying on a totally empty sidewalk with severe head trauma after being assaulted by a whole mob of S-class demons, what would you do?"

"Why do you persist in asking about him?!" the boy snapped.

"WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ANSWER ALL MY QUESTIONS WITH ANOTHER QUESTION? ANSWER IT PROPERLY! WHAT WOULD YOU DO?"

Kurama sighed. "Damn it..."

"What? Conflicting emotions?"

"I have no emotions for that bastard except for hate."

"Then you'd put him out of his misery?"

"I... er... Yes... Probably."

"Probably?!"

"My sentimental human half is telling me I would bring him here and have you care for him, but Youko insists I would wake him up and prod at his injuries until he died with his face contorted in screams of pain."

Shadow thought for a second, then shivered. "I think I almost like the first one better. But... If you hate him, why would there be two options?"

"Because my human half is nice to _everyone_," Kurama said. "I can't help it!"

"Which is stronger?"

"I think the human half is," he muttered unhappily.

Shadow laughed. "Yeah, because you're more of a softie than Hiei! Then again, your pansy softness did get you the Potion of Past Life in your fight with that Ura dude... I guess that's kinda good. That stuff came in handy a few times didn't it?"

"That's an understatement."

"Without it, you would have died in your fight with Karasu, and he would have stolen your body and got it preserved so he could take you home and stare at you whenever he wanted and you would have no say."

Kurama blanched. "You're sick..."

"It's true, though! I'll ask him!"

"How? He left. In tears."

"He's on the porch," Shadow replied. "If you paid attention to the world around you, you would know this."

"What?!"

"Did you think I was just gonna banish him from Tokyo altogether?"

"You didn't banish him anywhere..."

"Well I personally think Karasu just needs a bit of counseling and he'll be good as new... Well, maybe not quite, cuz when he was new, A.K.A. a child, his father molested him... So he wasn't really good then, either, but I bet with a bit of counseling, we could make Karasu more emotionally understanding and understanding of the ways of foxes." She paused. "Foxes like to live in holes in the ground."

Kurama sighed. "It'd be called a den, or a lair."

"We'll continue this discussion later," the girl said, glaring. "On with the interview..." She sat there thinking for a while. So long, in fact, that Eclipse had to hit her upside the head and shout at her.

"HEY! Are you gonna ask anymore questions?!"

Shadow blinked. "Huh? Oh, I must've fallen asleep..."

"But your eyes were open..."

"So? I'm magical. Next question: Why the hell did you throw yourself in front of Hiei's sword to save Yusuke's ass? Couldn't you have just used your little flowery thingies and like, tied him up or something? That would have kept you from harm and would have kept Yusuke from harm and made it all easier on poor Hiei in the long run."

"Yusuke gave part of his life to help save my mother. It was only right for me to save him... Throwing myself in front of the sword was the simplest and had the least margin for error..."

Shadow stared. "Meaning...?"

"Meaning I could have attacked him, but he was faster than me and probably could taken care of Yusuke, then gone after me... In the frame of mind he was in, he would have killed me, too. It was only logical."

"WHAT'S SO FRIGGIN' LOGICAL ABOUT FLINGING YOURSELF IN FRONT OF AN ATTACK MEANT TO KILL?"

"It turned out fine in the end, didn't it?"

"Yusuke beat up Hiei!"

"He was _supposed to_!"

"I don't care if he was supposed to, it wasn't very nice!"

"Shadow. Hiei wanted to take over Ningenkai."

"Why did you agree to help him if you disapproved so much?!"

"I never _intended_ to help him, I just wanted the mirror to save my mother!"

"Okay then... I still think it was mean to help Yusuke beat him up..."

"Well that's because you're pathetic and you _love_ him," Eclipse said.

"I _do not!_" Shadow retorted. "Why are we discussing this anyway? We're supposed to be interviewing Kurama!"

"We're discussing it because you started it," Eclipse muttered. Shadow pretended not to hear her.

"Isn't it difficult to keep your true heritage a secret from your family?"

"Yes."

"Your mother has no suspicions?"

"Not really."

"Not even when you vanish for weeks at a time?"

"Some lies are for the better, Shadow."

"What about your clothes? Surely your mother doesn't see you in your elegant battle outfits?"

"No."

"Where did you get those?"

"I bought some of it, made some of it..."

"Wow. Your mother doesn't ask questions when you're injured?"

"She doesn't notice, Shadow."

"Oh yeah. Because you're a trickster. A deceiving bastard. A sly, cunning fox..."

"Right."

"What about washing them? Do you wash your elegant battle outfits at home? On your own?"

"Yes."

Shadow nodded, looking thoughtful. "Amazing... A guy who can do his own laundry..."

Kurama raised an eyebrow.

"What?! Guys typically can't do laundry. It's like a washing machine is beyond their comprehension. But then again, you're a genius, so..." She shrugged. "Moving along..."

"Yes, please."

"How did it feel to be bombarded with explosives while some lecher stood by and watched like the sadist he is?"

Kurama shifted in his chair. "Must we discuss it?"

"Was it excruciatingly painful?"

The boy rolled his eyes. "No, Shadow, I was screaming in pain because I enjoyed it."

"Ew, really?"

"No! I'm not a masochist, okay?"

"I should hope not... Then you'd be like Sensui. Do you think Sensui was gay?"

Kurama stared. "Do you think I typically go around examining people to see if they're gay? I'm a fighter, okay? I don't care about peoples' sexual orientation."

"I think Itsuki was gay," Shadow said, nodding.

"He practically came right out and told us that one, Shadow. Brilliant deduction," the redhead said sarcastically.

"I think he was also coming on to you, Kurama. I mean, you were stuck in his creepy shadow critter, he had six extra hands... It wouldn't have been that difficult."

Kurama's eye twitched.

"Does that bother you?"

"Does _what_ bother me?"

"All the demons with stronger attractions towards males than females. Does it bother you that they're constantly coming on to you?"

"Well, yeah."

"What about people who mistake you for a girl? Do they bother you?"

"Yes, somewhat."

"Do you think it's your eyes? Or your _hair_?"

"What?"

"I personally think it's both. You should cut your hair, wear sunglasses, maybe dye your hair or change your outfits or something... Wear black. I should be your new fashion designer."

"I think not, Shadow."

"I think I should. It'd save your the embarrassment of being mistaken for a girl."

Kurama didn't say anything.

"Or you could always just beat them up. Why don't you just beat them up?"

"Who?"

"The people who harass you!"

"The demons?"

"And the people who think you're a girl."

"If they start a fight with me, or I _have_ to fight them, I'll keep it in mind that they've offended me. But I'm not going to haul off and punch them just because."

"Nice to hear. So if I start calling you a pansy flower-girl mommy's boy and start attacking you, will you beat the phooey outta me?"

"No, because you're my friend and you wouldn't be serious."

"Oh! So you show favoritism! You bastard!"

"What? You do too! You were just a minute ago when you were complaining about how I let Yusuke beat up Hiei."

"That's not favoritism!" Shadow protested. "I'm a very fair person!"

"That's the ultimate favoritism! You would rather Hiei was dictator over Ningenkai than that he got beat up and ended up where he is today!"

Shadow opened her mouth to protest, then shut it, looking thoughtful.

"Well if you put it that way... I guess things could have turned out totally different and maybe I never would have met him!" She jumped up, leaning across the table to grab the fox's shoulders. "_WOULDN'T THAT BE TERRIBLE?!_"

"No."

She slapped his head. "Shut up, fox! It would be terrible. I'd probably still be living my traumatic Makai life." She fake-sobbed. "Maybe I wouldn't even be a virgin anymore! I could have ended up stuck in Makai with nowhere to run and I would have been cornered and raped and... and... and... Where's Yusuke?! I want to hug him!" She looked around frantically.

"He's not here..."

"Then I'll hug you! Because you helped!" And she clambered over the table and hugged Kurama. "You're so wonderful! Thank you for everything you did to make everything how it was when I got here!"

The boy blinked, looking helplessly at Eclipse and shrugging. He timidly patted Shadow's back. "Um... Sure... No problem..."

"WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING ME? DID I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO TOUCH ME? NO I DIDN'T! BACK OFF!" She lunged over the table and curled up on her chair, hissing at him like an animal. However, having slammed into the chair with as much force as she did, it teetered and fell over backwards, dumping her onto the floor. Instead of hissing like a cat, she now yelped like a wounded dog. Kurama sighed and stood up.

"Shadow, I have better things I could be doing right now. I don't want to be asked another question about Karasu, I don't want to hear about your relationship with Hiei, and I'm supposed to be in school right now. May I leave?"

"NO YOU MOST CERTAINLY CAN NOT!"

With a sigh, Kurama sat back down as Shadow righted her chair. She sat in it, leaning forward slightly like she was going to ask a very important question. Kurama stared at her placidly as she just stayed like that for a good five minutes. Then she leaned back.

"I forget what I was gonna ask."

Kurama rolled his eyes and got up. "I'm gonna go do my homework." He started for the door and Shadow let out an anguished howl.

"NOOOO!"

He sped up. She flung herself at him and caught his sleeve, trying to drag him back to his chair. He looked at her with wide-eyed horror and tried to shake her off.

"Let go of me!"

"No!"

He strained to get to the doorknob. Shadow planted her feet to make herself harder to drag. Eventually, the cuff tore off his sleeve, he flew forward and she went toppling backwards with a couple inches of his shirtsleeve in her hands. It didn't matter. He grabbed the doorknob, yanked open the door, and ran for it before Shadow could get up. But she did get up, and tore out into the hall after him. She ground down the stair railing and leapt off the end, ending up right behind him.

Tearing out the front door and onto the porch, Kurama stopped dead about an inch from Karasu and 'eep'ed. Shadow then slammed into him from behind and sent them all tumbling off the porch into the yard. Eclipse, having been about a foot behind Shadow, managed to stay on her feet to record the entire ordeal.

Shadow untangled herself from the limbs of the males and leapt back. She took in the sight before her. Poor Kurama had Karasu's pale wrists grasped in his hands, holding them out to his sides. However, that was the only advantage the fox had. Karasu was straddling him, grinning.

"If I let go of your wrists, will you go away?" Kurama asked.

"No," Karasu purred. "Because I can just do this." He twisted his wrists around, freeing them, and grabbed Kurama's wrists. "I win."

"Oh, fuck. Shadow, if you don't get over here and get this PSYCHO off me I will KILL YOU!"

Shadow's eye twitched. "I'm horrified. What have I done, what have I done? Karasu's gonna rape Kurama right in my own front yard!" She screamed and ran away.

"WHAT THE FUCK, SHADOW!" Eclipse screamed. Luckily, along came Hiei, a black blur, and kicked Karasu in the ribs, breaking several and sending him rolling across the ground. Kurama jumped up the second the vamp freak was off of him.

"Thank you very much, Hiei."

"Right."

Karasu twitched. Then he got up, cast a sorrowful, pained look at Kurama, a death glare at Hiei (the fire demon returned it tenfold), and vanished into the forest.

"Well that's a wrap," Shadow said. Kurama threw a clod of dirt at her head.

"Bitch!" Then he went stalking down the street with his hands in his pockets. Hiei glared at her.

"Why did you do that to him?"

"I don't know, but guess who's gonna get interviewed next?"

"**Not. Me.**"

"Yes. You, Hiei."

The fire demon vanished before Shadow could attack him and drag him upstairs.

"YOU BASTARD!" she screamed, shaking her fist. "YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE!" She headed into the forest to find him, Eclipse on her heels.

* * *

Sorry about that thing with Karasu... Don't yell at me. I'm not in control here. ;) 


	6. Divine Inspiration

**(12-25-04) MERRY CHRISTMAS! I got a digital camcorder everyone!!! I'm so happy! :dances: I'm already getting on peoples' nerves with it... My mother said I'm gonna make her insecure in her own house... Lol...  
Anyway, I wrote this chapter purely with the intention of posting on Christmas... Merry Christmas to you.It's very short.

* * *

**

**CHAPTER SIX  
**Divine Inspiration

Shadow and Eclipse trekked through the forest, somehow having ended up in khaki shorts and tank tops with large walking sticks, backpacks, and all the other gear you'd typically find people hauling around in a tropical forest. However, this was most definitely _not_ a tropical forest, and you don't need to weigh yourself down with about thirty pounds of extra _stuff_ when chasing a fire demon that is not weighed down by anything and is several times faster than you to begin with, and who also had a head start. (D'ja get all that?)

"Here we are," Shadow panted, practically dragging herself up the hill with her stick cane thing, "in the deep dark forests of Bvvvvvvvvvv-tichtichtich-llamallama-Nanipuu!, the dangerous forest inhabited by the most fearsome of creatures..." She tripped and fell on her face, but did not slide at all down the steep hill. Dragging herself to her feet and continuing her climb with obvious effort, she spoke again.

"As I was saying, creatures so fearsome that it would make the world's strongest human cringe in fear and wet his pants. Creatures so deadly that even **_I_** find them a challenge to defeat! Such beasts as the--"

Ker-_THUD_!

"OWWWW!!!" Shadow whined. She looked up at her assailant and her jaw dropped. "Random Surfer Dude?! You hit me with your surfboard!"

"It was like, so totally a, like, accident, dudette. I'm so, like, sorry, y'know?"

"Yeah, okay, forgiven," she muttered, rubbing her head. "Wait a second... DIVINE INSPIRATION! Eclipse! We're going to interview Random Surfer Dude!"

"My neck hurts..." Eclipse muttered. Shadow looked at her, confused, then laughed and grabbed her head, straightening her neck, ignoring the audible cracks it emitted. The ground levelled up instantly and Shadow was no longer climbing up a hill, but standing in what was more or less a perfectly level stretch of trees. Cheap camera tricks, lol.

"Are you willing to be interviewed, Mr. Random Surfer Dude?"

"You can just, like, call me Dude."

"Awesome, Dude. So do you have any objections to a short interview?"

"Like, no I don't, dudette."

"Oh, jolly good!" Shadow took her pack straps off her shoulders and dropped it on the ground. Instantly, it transformed into a small table and two chairs. She sat in one and gestured for Dude to do the same. He was a bit surprised by her black magic, but obeyed.

"So, Dude, why are you so random?"

"It's like, my job, dudette."

"How can you just show up so randomly at such random intervals?"

"Like... What?"

"I mean, look back at all the random, inopportune times you've shown up in my life, and my friends' lives. When we first met, you were in the forest when I was being chased by Youko, and Hiei and the others were being assaulted by an overprotective violence-happy forest youkai, and you somehow already knew about Hiei's ultimate attack. Then you got killed by the fox. It was very sorrowful. After that, you saved Kurama from Karasu, totally on random accident. What were you doing in Karasu's secret hideout, anyway?"

"I was like, lost," Dude said. Shadow nodded.

"That's not a place you wanna be when you're lost. Anyway, then... Let's see, you were... walking past my house last Christmas when we were having a snowball fight, and... On that cruise... and you... Now you're here. Yes. Why _are_ you here?"

"I totally don't know, dudette."

"You do know that a gay vampire lives around here, don't you?"

Dude looked a bit startled. "Like, seriously?"

"Yes."

"No way, man, I totally didn't know that. Is he like, gonna suck my, like, blood?"

Shadow shook her head. "Nah, he's after Kurama. I don't know if he'd want to suck your blood anyway. If we're talking about Kurama, though, I'm sure he would..." She looked thoughtful and muttered, "Might wanna suck something else, too..."

**_"SHADOW!"_** Eclipse yelped, absolutely repulsed. Dude just stared.

"What? Huh? Oh!" Shadow grinned. "That was a bit over the rating, wasn't it?" She laughed a bit.

"Pervert."

"Oh, but it's true! Anyway, Dude, why do you show up at such random times?"

"It's like, my hob, like I said, like, earlier."

Shadow thought for a second. "And why do you carry a surfboard everywhere?"

"A surfboard is an object of like, many uses."

"I see that," Shadow said. "You've hit people more than once with one. So how's your girlfriend?"

"Oh. We like, broke up. She went out and got like, bitten by a shark, too, dudette. It wasn't very awesome, you know?"

"I can imagine."

"Yeah... Totally..."

"So what are your plans for the future?"

"Well, I had hoped to kinda like, be promoted from like, Random Surfer Dude to Radical Surfer Dude, but we'll have to see how the like, waves of fate crash on the great sandy beach of reality."

Shadow grinned. "That's an awesome saying, Dude! So what's a Radical Surfer Dude?"

"A Radical Surfer Dude is like, less Random, dudette, because he's supposed to be, like, _there_ more often."

Shadow blinked. "Oh." _Whatever blows yer bubble..._ "Any way I could help?"

"I like, totally doubt it, dudette."

"Okay then. Any questions for Mr. Dude, Eclipse?"

"Yeah!" She and Shadow switched places. Eclipse leaned forward over the table, getting ready to ask a big, suspenseful question, then said, "Do you have a name?"

Shadow blinked, looking baffled. "Good _question!_ Way to go!"

"Actually, I like, totally do have a name."

"Really? That's cool." Eclipse danced over and grabbed the camera from Shadow.

"That's it?"

"Yeah."

"You ask him if he has a name, then don't bother asking _what it is?_"

"You can ask. I just wanted to know if he had a name."

Shadow sighed. Just then, a certain hunted fire demon walked into the camera's line of view, stopped dead, spun, and left again, but it was too late. Shadow had seen him.

"THERE HE IS!" She tore after him. "THANKS FOR YOUR TIME, DUDE, TALK LATER, GOTTA GO! BYE!"

Eclipse was on her heels. Dude just stared at them as they vanished, shook his head, got up, and went off to surf.

* * *

Like it? Merry Christmas again... (Happy holidays if you're gonna complain about political correctness). Yu Yu Hakusho isn't on tonight and I missed Shaman King... BUT I GOT A DIGITAL CAMCORDER! Woohoo!


	7. Pessimists are the Happy People

**(1-7-2005) First chapter of any story posted in 2005... And it's horrible. I mean... I'm sorry about this chapter, but I wrote it all in the middle of the night and when Eclipse read it, she had real wide eyes for the majority of it and it's perverted for the majority of the chapter... To the R-rating-for-safety point... (yes, note rating) Stupid Shadow... Why'd she have to pick on Hiei?**

**THE NEXT CHAPTER  
**Pessimists are the happy people

Hiei slammed into the ground with a startled grunt.

"Gimme the rope!" Shadow said frantically. Eclipse tossed her a length of rope, and the fire demon girl quickly immobilized Hiei.

"Hey! Get this off me! Turn off your stupid camera! Let me go! I'm gonna kill you! Mmmph!"

And gagged him.

"There! That should do it!"

Hiei didn't struggled, but he looked coldly up at the girl, and if she'd had any sense, she would have realized he had every intention to make her suffer intense pain the second he got the chance.

"See? Women are superior," Shadow said. She picked him up and they started towards home. "None of your fire demony tricks can save your ass NOW! Muwahaha!"

Hiei sighed. "You suck."

"Yes. Want to make something of it, pansy?"

"Forget it."

Ten minutes later, Shadow was hauling poor Hiei up the stairs to the greatly famed Room of Interviewing. She untied him and dropped him in a chair.

"You gonna behave?"

"I'm gonna _leave_," he said, getting up. Shadow pushed him back down in the chair and shortly had his ankles bound to the chair legs and his entire upper body wrapped in ropes to keep him there.

"Now, Hiei, I expect you to behave while I ask you questions. I'll only hurt you if you provoke me."

"Bitch."

"What? I'm just satisfying the fans' demands. They want me to interview you, and interview I shall! State your name and age for the record."

"My name's Hiei and my age is none of your fucking business."

"Do you even know your own age?"

"A roundabout figure," he admitted.

"And that is?"

"More than one hundred."

"That's it? That's all you know about your own age?"

"I stopped counting at forty."

"But you look no older than twenty."

"Demons age slowly."

"Do I look like a little child to you?"

"No."

"But I'm only sixteen, and if I age slower, I should look, like, ten or something, shouldn't I?"

"Maybe your aging is more effected by your ningen blood than your demon blood."

"Damned ningens," she muttered. "Anyways, so you're Hiei, age unknown. What are your hobbies, Hiei?"

"Killing people, burning things, and hating you."

"What about searching for your sister?"

"What the hell do you know about that?"

"Only what you guys have told me. She's really only your half sister, she's Koorime, and her name's Yu--"

"Shut up!"

"--kina... and you know where she is so it's not really searching."

"And when I was, it wasn't a _hobby_," Hiei snarled.

"Okay. So what about your sister? What's she like?"

"Go away, Shadow."

Shadow blinked. "Okay." She turned and left the room. Crickets chirped as they waited for somebody to return.

"Is she... uh... gonna come back?" Eclipse asked.

"I hope not. You wanna untie me?"

"But.. That was a really short interview..."

"Untie me. NOW."

"Yessir!" She moved towards him, grabbed the ropes, the door burst open and Shadow shot across the room and latched onto Eclipse's arm with her fangs. The girl screeched and jumped back, waving her arm frantically to try to rid herself of the parasitic fire demon girl. Shadow clung on like one of her weasel minions. Finally, Eclipse kicked her and sent her spiraling through the air and into the far wall. She hit and fell to the ground with an animalistic snarl.

"Erm... Help me?"

Shadow bound towards them on all fours, lunged over Hiei's chair, over Eclipse's head, and turned herself in mid-air to kick the door shut and push off it into a flip which landed her in front of Hiei. He stared.

"So, Hiei, what are your thoughts on gay rights?"

The demon's mouth hung open as he stared at Shadow with wide eyes. She blinked politely, then screamed, "ANSWER ME!"

"Um... Yes?" he said cluelessly.

"Yes what?"

"To whatever you said."

"I asked your thoughts on gay rights. 'Yes' doesn't really answer that."

Hiei rolled his eyes. "I don't care about gays. It's not looked down upon in Makai. Ningens are stupid and narrow-minded."

"Couldn't agree more. Next question: What is your opinion on the current American government?"

"I don't KNOW!"

"I figured... It's just that I asked everyone else, so I had to ask you, too."

"I don't care about the stupid American government, Shadow! If America starts blowing up Ningenkai, I'm going back to Makai, where I belong."

"I'll come with you."

"No you won't."

"FINE! I'LL STAY HERE AND DIE IN A NUCLEAR WAR! SEE IF I CARE IF YOU CARE!"

Hiei blinked. "Uh..."

"So Hiei, what were your thoughts when Kurama threw himself in front of your sword to save Yusuke's butt?"

"Does it matter?"

"I ASKED, YOU ANSWER! Or you'll stay tied up in that chair forever and I'll have to feed you nutrients via injections into your bloodstream with an unsanitized needle. You'll shortly get some kind of vitamin poisoning and die since I don't know the first thing about that..."

"Fine. God, psycho... I was pissed. Kurama had been tamed by the stupid humans and betrayed me. Then he threw blood in my eye, and that was hardly pleasant."

"What'd it feel like?"

"It felt like having blood thrown into my Jagan eye!"

"Um... Elaborate?"

"Imagine having blood thrown into your eyes, your normal eyes, and multiply that by several dozen."

Shadow winced. "Owie... So what happened when you were dragged off to Reikai kicking and screaming like a pansy girl?"

"I wasn't kicking and screaming, I was unconscious."

"Yeah, but between when Yusuke whipped your sorry butt and when you had to help him with the castle beasties, what with their stones and ice and stuff, what happened? That was a long time, wasn't it?"

Hiei sighed. "I was in prison."

Shadow snorted. "Bet that was humiliating."

"Shut up."

"Do people get raped in Reikai prison, too?"

"No. Parts of Reikai prison are so high security you probably couldn't sneeze without them rushing over and checking on you to make sure you weren't escaping or hurting yourself. They don't put two demons in the same cell. Ever."

"Aww, so you were all by your lonesome for all that time Yusuke was training and everything?"

"Yes."

"In prison?"

"Yes."

"But what about you helping out with the missions? Wouldn't he have let you off after you agreed to that?"

"The stupid toddler didn't even think of that until he got that letter from the beasts. He was all set to sentence me to eternal damnation or something."

Shadow looked horrified. "I can't believe it! He would sentence an innocent little thing like you to such a horrible fate?"

"I'm _not_ innocent."

"Then you're a deadly criminal and deserve to be sentenced to eternal damnation?"

"The prospect is hardly appealing, to say the least..."

"Well then shut up. You're cute and innocent. I could get you feathery wings and a halo to go with it if you want."

"No thanks."

"So after you were stuck helping Yusuke, after you guys were all jolly friends and all, and you ended up being Mukuro's heir, why did you come back here?"

"I dunno. There was something Koenma needed me for, and I kinda ended up staying here and next thing I know, we were sent to find _you_... And now I only go when Mukuro needs me... Which isn't often, as you know."

"And you come back in crappy condition when she _does_ call you."

"At least I come back."

"True."

There was a pause. "So, Hiei, do you hate me for tying you to that chair?"

"Yes," he answered without hesitation.

"I see. What is your opinion of Kurama?"

"What? He's my friend. What does it matter?"

"What about Youko?"

"He indulges himself too much, he harasses you, but he's an excellent fighter and I respect that."

"Oh. And how do you really feel about Kuwabara? I mean, we all know you 'hate' him, but we also all know you 'hate' me and 'hate' Kurama and that you're a little twit who hides his feelings. So what's your real opinion of Kuwabara?"

"He's okay for a stupid ningen, I guess. I can tolerate him if need be."

"Very nice." She paused. "What about Karasu?"

"Karasu is an asshole who is supposed to be dead."

"Yes."

"I hate him. Honestly."

"Because he harasses Kurama?"

"Because he's _Karasu_. Koenma revived him for some stupid fish!"

"Squid."

"Whatever! The stupid toddler revived a high-class lecher demon in exchange for _squid_. I guess I really hate Koenma more, then..."

"Interesting. So here's a question that I'll bet is on _everyone's_ mind: When you lose a shirt or break a sword, how is it they're replaced so quickly?"

Hiei blinked. "Magic?"

"THAT'S MY EXCUSE!"

"To tell the truth: Plot holes. I pull a new shirt out of a passing plot hole if I can't get to a tailor shortly. I pull a swordsmith out of a plot hole to fix my swords, then toss them back when I'm satisfied. He usually ends up in a totally different era or something 'cause I toss him through a different plot hole than the one I fished him out of." (okay, so I got the plot hole thing from a Kenshin fic by Miss Behavin...)

Shadow blinked. "Interesting."

"It's true."

"Ah... I'll take your word." There was a pause. "So, Hiei, have you ever been raped?"

The fire demon's eyes widened in horror. "_No._ Why the hell would you ask something like that?!"

"I dunno. It happens a lot in Makai. I just figured maybe, when you were a kid or something--"

"I was _powerful_ as a child. I didn't gain my power as I aged like most demons. I was an A-class demon when I was a very small child."

"Really? That's pretty cool. I was a pansy-class halfbreed when I was a very small child."

"You still are," the demon muttered. Shadow glared, putting the very tip of a rather large knife on the headband on his forehead.

"What was that?" she asked menacingly. Hiei stared with wide eyes at the knife, which was perfectly poised to render his Jagan quite useless and in effect probably kill him from the pain. Or at least put him in a whole shitload of agony.

"I said I would never believe you could possibly be weak, Shadow. You are such a powerful girl with such vast experience that you could take over all three worlds if you felt so inclined," he blurted hastily. He relaxed as the girl took the knife away from his precious third eye and grinned, striking a pose.

"I know! Aren't I great?" she said proudly.

"Of course you are. I've never met anyone else as wonderful as you," he said. The sarcasm was quite obviously there, but undetectable to Shadow's mind. After five minutes of striking and holding various poses each ten seconds, Shadow very abruptly sat back down and asked the next question.

"What are your thoughts on relationships, Hiei?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, would you ever want to be in one? Get a wife, settle down with kids, that sort of thing?"

"Do I look like the type of person to ever _settle down_ someplace?"

"Ye-- Well, no. Cuz even though I'm here, and you live with me and all, you still go and abandon me for lengths of time to return to Makai and kill stuff for some woman I've never even met." She blinked, then got a threatening look on her face. "Youko says demons are bisexual by nature. Is that true?"

"Of most demons, yeah... Why?"

"How do I know you aren't in a secret relationship in Makai? How do I know you aren't in a secret relationship with _Mukuro_?"

Hiei paled. "Why would I be?"

"Have you ever had sex, Hiei?"

"Well, yeah..."

"With who?"

"Is that any of your business?!"

"It was Mukuro, wasn't it?!"

"No!"

"Really?"

"Yes?"

"Then it was Youko!"

"WHAT?!"

"It _was_, wasn't it!?"

"NO! Gods, no!"

"What? If you're bisexual, that means you could be attracted to him."

"But I'm _not_."

"You sure?"

"Yes! God, Shadow!"

"So then you're heterosexual?"

"I--"

"But isn't that against demon nature?"

"Some demons are asexual. The Koorime are."

"And since you're half Koorime, you could be too!"

"What?! Cut me a break! I'm a _man_, Shadow, and men, demon or otherwise, do not have the ability to carry or bear children, despite what you may have read in fanfics!"

"So you're not bisexual, you're not asexual, you're not heterosexual, does that make you homosexual?"

"I'M NOT ANYTHING!"

Shadow shrieked. "HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? DO YOU NOT HAVE A... Y'know..."

"Shadow! You are sick!"

"But if you have no sexual orientation, what did you have sex with?"

"What is that your business? And I do have sexual orientation, you baka, it's just none of your business!"

"I'M GONNA MAKE IT MY BUSINESS!"

"What?!" Hiei yelped.

"TIME TO DETERMINE HIEI'S SEXUAL ORIENTATION! KIDS, COVER YOUR EYES!"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Hiei screamed as Shadow tackled him onto the floor. He was still quite tied to the chair, and Eclipse let out a shriek.

**"I AM NOT GOING TO RECORD PORN, SHADOW! GET OFF HIM!"**

And, of course, at that precise moment, Youko happened to walk by. Why was Youko Kurama wandering the halls of Shadow's house now? Hadn't Kurama gone home? Perhaps he appeared out of a plot hole. Or maybe Kurama didn't go home... (Cue Twilight Zone music)

The door burst open. "What the hell!" the fox yelped. "What are you DOING?!" He ran to Shadow and dragged her off Hiei, holding her up to his eye level by her collar. She squirmed a bit, then hung still and realized who was holding her. She jabbed her finger against his forehead.

"YOU! YOU'RE HIEI'S SECRET LOVER, AREN'T YOU?"

"Ew! No!"

"_Ew?_ Thanks, fox, you make it sound like I'm a disease..." Hiei muttered absently as he rolled around trying to get up.

"Do you know who his secret lover is, then?" Shadow asked.

"You?"

Shadow's leg swung up and connected with the poor fox's groin area. He dropped her and doubled over, snarling. She quickly hid behind Hiei's chair.

"So who is it, Hiei?" she whispered.

"Shut up!"

"Were you dominate?"

"What the hell, Shadow! It's not your business! Or the business of anyone who you could possibly show this to!"

"You _weren't_, were you!" she said triumphantly.

"Go away!"

"Can't. Angry injured kitsune in the way. So what's it like?"

"SHADOW!"

"I mean, I hear it's supposed to be all wonderful and everything, but I can't imagine how having some large thing rammed up your ass would feel good."

"That's it, rating's going up," Eclipse muttered, but her comment was muffled by Hiei's shout.

"WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT RAMMING ANYTHING UP ANYONE'S ASS?!"

"You."

"I DID NOT!"

"But you didn't have sex with Mukuro so you had sex with some guy, didn't you?"

"NO!"

"Ew! A he-she?"

"NO!"

"Yourself?"

Hiei blanched. "I don't know if that's possible."

"Sure it is, Hiei. It's called mas--"

"WHO ASKED YOU, FOX?!"

"Is that what you did?" Shadow asked. Hiei growled, then started scootching himself slowly but surely towards the door. Shadow grabbed the back of the chair, righted it, and sat on Hiei's lap. "Am I bothering you?"

"YES!"

"If you would just answer my questions properly, maybe I wouldn't embarass you like this."

"You didn't interrogate anyone ELSE on their sex life, did you?"

"I asked Youko how many partners he'd had. I asked him if he'd ever had sex with Kuronue. But I wasn't to the R-rating-for-safety level."

"R-rating. Gods. Leave it to you to make poor Authoress Shadow put an R-rated fic up on her page..." Youko sighed.

"Poor Authoress Shadow my ass. You have no idea the kinds of things she's written in that mystery fic of hers."

"Whatever."

Shadow looked at Hiei, whose lap she was still sitting on. "Hiei, would you like for me to..." She looked at Youko, then leaned down and whispered something in Hiei's ear. He blanched and Youko let out a yelp.

"Why do you offer that fun stuff to him but you flip when I LOOK at you wrong? Whatever happened to your virgin whatever-the-hell and all that?"

"My virgin mouth would be in danger, Youko. My mouth isn't as much of a virgin as the rest of me, though." Her tone changed to a more airy, higher pitch. "I still have my quickening! I am _immortal_."

Youko snorted. "Whatever."

Shadow looked back at Hiei and, in her normal voice again, asked, "So do you want me to?"

**"NO! AND I CANNOT EMPHASIZE IT ENOUGH! NO, NO, NO!"**

Shadow sighed. "Your loss."

"I'll take it," Youko said hopefully.

"Offer is non-transferrable, fox. Sorry. Consult Eclipse. Maybe she can help you with that."

**_"HELL NO!!!"_** Eclipse screamed.

"Shut up, stupid. You don't even know what we're talking about," Shadow snapped. "We could be talking about kissing for all you know."

"...You mean you aren't?"

"Erm... No... We're talking about something a little more R-rated than kisses, Eclipse."

The girl with the camera blinked, confused. Then a look appeared on her face and she let out a scream.

"YOU OFFERED TO DO THAT TO _HIEI?_ ARE YOU MENTAL?!"

"It's really a more appealing thought to me than with Youko."

The fox sighed. "I'm being rejected. I'm not used to that. I have to go sulk. You're supposed to be interviewing Hiei, anyway, right?"

"Yes. One more question, first, though. For you, fox."

"What?"

"Do you know whether Hiei is bisexual or not?"

"SHADOW, DROP IT ALREADY!" Hiei shouted.

"Well, most demons are... Sex is really only used for pleasure and power in Makai, and if anal sex is your fancy, by all means you can indulge yourself and nobody will think anything foul of it. That's the beauty of Makai. You ningens are so fucking narrow-minded... Well, I'm off to sulk and look all pathetic-like. Maybe somebody will feel bad for me. See you later, Shadow."

"Bye, fox."

The door shut behind Youko and Shadow leapt off Hiei's lap and onto the table in front of him.

"So was that not one of the most traumatizing experiences of your life?"

"I need something alcoholic," Hiei muttered.

"Nope. You gotta stay sober for the rest of the interview so if I ask you more questions like the ones I've _been_ asking then you won't slip up and tell me Mukuro dominated you in sex or something."

"**TIME FOR A SUBJECT CHANGE, SHADOW!** There are virgin ears here!" Eclipse snapped.

The fire demon girl looked around. "I don't see any." Eclipse sighed.

"Just interview him. My arm is getting tired from holding this damned camera all frikkin' day."

Shadow did a flip into her chair. "So, Mr. Jaganshi, what is your favorite movie?"

"_What?_ You go from asking me about my sex life to asking me what my favorite movie is?!"

"Yes. What is it?"

"What's that got to do with anything?!"

"What about your favorite band?"

"I don't listen to your stupid ningen music!"

"Do they have music in Makai?"

"Yes."

"So what's your favorite color?"

"I don't know! I never thought of it!"

"It's black. Can you sing the alphabet backwards?"

"I don't know! I don't sing and I don't think I could even recite the stupid alphabet _forwards_!"

"Okay... Can you speak any other languages?"

"Some Makai dialects and bits of some of your Ningenkai languages, thought I don't really know which ones they are."

"Probably English, Chinese, and German."

"Why?"

"Cuz I said so. Now then, tell me, what's the longest you've ever gone without sleep?"

"A week, give or take a few days."

"Why did you stay awake for a week?"

"I had my reasons, which are none of your business."

"Were you ever kidnapped and held prisoner and beaten and tortured and raped?"

"I told you, I've never been raped!"

"Ah, that you did indeed. Have you ever kidnapped, held prisoner, beaten, tortured, and or raped somebody else?"

"Tortured, yes."

"Was it fun?"

"For my sadistic streak, yes."

"Do you think you have anything in common with Hitler?"

"Who the fuck is Hitler?"

"Just the first person that popped into my mind when I started that question. What's your favorite food?"

"Meat. Anything as long as it isn't rancid and disgusting."

"If you were abandoned in the middle of no where with me and we had no way of getting home, would you kill me and eat my flesh to survive?"

"How is this getting any insight into the deep dark secrets of my mind?"

"I'm trying to find out if you would resort to cannibalism of the most important female being in your life to survive."

"I doubt I would. You'd probably kill me and eat my flesh first."

Shadow blinked. "Maybe. Do you think love is a load of shit?"

"Yes."

"Do you believe there is somebody in the world for everybody? Like, a soul mate?"

"Nope."

"You're a pessimist, now, aren't you!"

"Yes."

"Well, that's not bad, I guess. Pessimists are the happy people: 90 of the time, they're right. The other 10 they're only pleasantly surprised."

"True enough."

"Do you like talking on the phone?"

"I strongly _dis_like talking on the phone."

"Do you like the moon?"

"Um... It's a rock..."

"True enough. Do you like long walks on the beach?"

"Alone."

"Alone with somebody, or alone in the literal sense of the dictionary definition of the word."

"Alone as in 'with nobody else there.' No you, bombarding me with questions and being lewd. No Kurama, being nice and annoying like he's good at. No anyone else, pestering me, distracting my thoughts, and invading my privacy. **Alone.**"

"Well aren't we in a bad mood today."

"I'm in a bad mood _every_ day."

"Okay. Do you think you're a happy person, Hiei?"

"DIDN'T I JUST SAY I'M IN A BAD MOOD? DO I LOOK HAPPY?"

"Oookay... Would you ever play strip poker?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"_Have_ you ever played strip poker?"

"If I did, I was drunk."

"Really?! Who with? Mukuro?"

"WE'RE **NOT** getting back on that subject. Mukuro doesn't play cards anyway."

"Okay, so you just play other little games with her. Did she handcuff you?"

"I'm going to kill you," Hiei said through clenched teeth.

"Why do you wear two belts?"

Hiei blinked, startled by the change of subject. "I... er..."

"Did people constantly try to drop your pants?"

"No! Well, yes, but that's not why I wear two belts."

"PEOPLE TRIED TO TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS? Who?! Why?! You said you were never raped!"

"I told you, they _tried_. Never succeeded. I killed them. Now forget I said it."

"It's on tape, though."

"Shut the fuck up."

"So if I tackled you right now and tried to tear off your clothes, would you kill me?"

"You wouldn't do that..." But his tone of voice said he wasn't entirely sure about that.

"I guess I wouldn't... Not without your permission." Shadow thought for a second. "Any other questions...? Ah yes. Do you fear death, Hiei?"

"No," he answered without hesitation.

"THEN IT WOULDN'T MATTER IF WE WERE STRANDED ON AN ISLAND AND I CANNIBALIZED YOU!"

"Erm... Yes? If I met my death at the hands of a teenage female halfbreed cannibal, then yes, I fear death."

"What about if you were facing death to save your sister?"

"I would die for Yukina," he replied seriously. Shadow blinked.

"Jeesh. Glad I don't have anybody around to care that much about. I wouldn't wanna have to feel that way..."

Hiei raised an eyebrow.

"Seriously! I'm young and carefree, I don't want to have to feel obligated to risk my life to save somebody's ass."

"That's okay, though. You wouldn't risk yourself because you're weaker than whoever you'd be protecting, unless it was some ningen, and THEY would risk themselves for YOU."

"Shut the fuck up Hiei! I'll decapitate you!" She pulled out her knife again. "Stop calling me weak!"

"I'll call you weak if I damn well feel like it! Because you are, and I'm sick of being tied to this chair!" The ropes burst into flames.

"**AND WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU DO THAT TO START WITH?!**"

Hiei blinked. "I dunno."

"WELL NOW YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE WHEN I MURDER YOU! YOU CAN'T SAY, 'But Koenma, she had me tied to a chair and I was unable to defend myself!' AND HE CAN'T REPLY, 'WELL YOU'RE STUPID, YOU'RE A FIRE DEMON WHY DIDN'T YOU BURN OFF THE ROPES?!' AND YOU CAN'T BE LIKE, 'Aw, fuck.'"

"Um..."

"Know what? Youko could be my child!"

"WHAT?"

"Sure! If he does the--" She made hand motions and squishy noises. "--he'd be our son!"

"_Our_ son? You say that like you know I'd be the father!"

"Well _he_ wouldn't be, and Yusuke's with Keiko and Kuwabara's with your sister, and I wouldn't wanna carry an ugly ningen child anyway, so--"

"That baka is NOT _with_ my sister."

"Sure he is. What makes you say that?"

"Because if he lays a hand on her, I'll kill him."

"Ah."

There was a short pause. Hiei edged towards the door. Shadow didn't seem to notice. He edged closer. She looked at him. He bolted, she went after him and tackled him just as he got the door open, and he hit the floor in the hallway with her on his back. She put her giant knife a millimeter from his eye and the said eye widened to several times its normal size.

"Are you going to try that again, Hiei? I'm not through with you!"

"RAPE! RAPE, HELP ME, IT'S RAPE!" Hiei screamed. Youko exploded out of a door down the hall, eyes wide, and relaxed when he saw Hiei was not being raped.

"Most people don't bother when you scream rape," he said, walking towards them. "It repels most people. Scream fire."

"IF IT WAS A FIRE I COULD CONTROL IT, BAKA FOX!"

"But it wouldn't _be_ fire."

"But... Aw, fuck."

"Anyway Shadow, get off of him," he said, walking straight past and snagging her arm to drag her away. She wrapped her legs around Hiei and refused to let go. The fox sighed. "Shadow will be most displeased..."

"Huh?" the fire demons said. Youko let go of Shadow and she fell over and Hiei ended up on top of her.

"Whaddaya mean?" Shadow asked, letting go of him and pushing him away. He landed with a thud on the floor, then rolled over and pushed himself to his feet, the same as Shadow was doing. "I'm not displeased at all. You've lost it, Youko."

"Not you, Shadow--"

Just then, the wall got a green outline in the shape of a girl, and an ominous voice echoed, "WILL YOURSELF THROUGH THE WALL, RAZIEL, AND IT SHALL PART FOR YOU, LIKE THE GREAT SEA FOR MOSES."

A brown-haired girl came through the wall, in the exact shape of the outline. Several inches taller than Shadow, average build, wearing boots, jeans, and a leather coat over a black t-shirt... Not to mention the jewelry. She opened her green eyes and looked at Shadow.

"Oh! _That_ Shadow!" the fire demon girl said triumphantly. "I thought you were off your cake, fox!"

"I'm most displeased with you, Shadow," the brown-haired girl said.

"Really? Well I'm most displeased with you, too. HOW DARE YOU PHASE THROUGH MY WALLS LIKE THAT? ONLY I'M ALLOWED TO DO THAT!"

"SHUT UP, GIRL! I RENTED YOU MY POWERS FOR THESE INTERVIEWS AND GAVE YOU FREE REIGN WHILE I WORKED ON MY MYSTERY FIC, BUT NOW YOU'RE OUT OF HAND! WHAT ABOUT THE RIGHTS I GAVE YOU TO READ TO THEM? AND I WANTED SOMEBODY TO PROOF MY FIC SO FAR AND I HAD TO GO TO YUSUKE SINCE KARASU WAS LOCKED UP IN HIS ROOM CRYING! Something about Hiei breaking his ribs--" She spared Hiei a glare. "--and Kurama rejecting him?"

"Karasu proof-reads your stories?! No fuckin' WONDER they're so sick!" Youko said, horrified.

"Shut up, fox." The green-eyed girl blinked. "Anyway, so Yusuke was no help. He thinks I should put lemon in it."

"So how _is_ your mystery fic coming along, Shadow?" Shadow asked.

"I keep getting distracted... I just got through with a romance scene-- HEY! Don't change the subject!"

"I bet they'd pay me if I sold you on the fanfiction Black Market, Shadow. They'd pay well for the famed Great Authoress Shadow Jaganshi."

The authoress raised her eyebrow. "What are you getting at?"

Shadow lunged at... er... Shadow... and a Dragonball Z style battle commenced. Punches flew so fast nobody could see them, and the brown-haired girl barely moved to dodge the poorly-aimed hits. Finally, Shadow landed one. Authoress Shadow flew into the air and caught herself and levitated there with her arms out to her sides, staring down at her opponent.

Insert startled close-ups of Youko and Hiei, and for good measure, every being with eyes in a two-mile radius. Even the ladybugs.

Then, Authoress Shadow flew towards Shadow and the black-haired girl snapped her fingers. Ropes appeared out of nowhere, binding Authoress Shadow into a cocoon.

Startled close-ups of every living creature again, lightning flash closeups of Hiei and Youko, thunder, dramaticness. Forty different camera angles panning across the scene of Authoress Shadow lying in a cocoon of ropes at her psychotic creation's feet. There were more lightning flashes. Authoress Shadow had the insane urge to scream, "IT LIVES! IT LIIIIIIIIVES!!" and do the whole Frankenstein bit, but the ropes kind of prohibited that. She started doing the worm towards the stairs. Shadow stepped on her.

Four thousand close-ups again.

"All this is lacking is people shouting useless dialogue at random intervals," Shadow said randomly. "And unecessary comments like, 'We're doomed!' and 'She's helpless!' and 'Shadow is going to take control of the fanfictions from this point on! She will sell the true authoress on the Black Market and God knows what they'll do with her after that, and then Shadow will write the fanfictions! Poor Hiei!'"

Shadow did this all with melodramatic hand actions and everything too. The authoress sighed and snapped her jaws together, making a loud click, and the ropes were gone. She stood up while Shadow was going on and on.

**"SHADOW!"**

"Yes Oh Great Authoress?"

"No more interviews. Poor Hiei's never gonna get over what you said to him."

"How do you know what I said? You weren't there!"

"I'M THE ALL-KNOWING AUTHORESS! I KNOW ALL!"

"But this isn't a story."

"What?"

"This is really happening, my dear Authoress. Yes... You are in our world now... Muwahahahaha. HA, HAHAHAHAHA... **BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**"

Authoress Shadow blinked. "I know I'm here. You have no idea how much trouble I went through to GET here. I came on purpose."

Shadow paused her laughing long enough to say, "Yes, but you're never LEAVING. That's what's so sinister." Then she commenced her laughing. "AHAHAHA!"

Not knowing what else to do, and trying to play their parts, Youko and Hiei joined in the ridiculous laughter. It echoed all around and Authoress Shadow looked uneccessarily terrified of the laughter. She frantically ran at the nearest wall.

"WILL YOURSELF THROUGH! WILL YOURSELF THROUGH!" She slammed into the wall with her arms straight out at her sides. She bounced back and countinued slamming herself into the wall. "WILL YOURSELF THROUGH! IT SHALL PART! WILL YOURSELF THROUGH!"

Shadow stopped laughing abruptly. "Okay, that's quite enough of that."

Hiei and Youko stopped instantly as well, looking not in the least humiliated that they'd just stood there laughing like lunatics. Shadow sighed as the authoress continued throwing herself at the wall.

"WHY WON'T IT WORK ANYMORE?!"

"You phazed yourself into this world, and you aren't getting out. While you're here, you can enjoy my hospitality. Hiei, I think an interview is in order, don't you?"

Hiei's eyes widened. Shadow grinned and tackled the authoress, who started screaming and thrashing instantly.

"PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN! I CANNOT MOVE! I CANNOT MOVE!"

It eventually took Youko and Hiei both to drag the hysterical girl into the Room of Interviewing. Once inside, all fight vanished from her and she walked to her chair with great dignity.

"Oh yeah, Hiei. Proof this for me, will you please?" she said, pulling a floppy disc out of her coat pocket and handing it to Hiei.

"Um... Computer?"

"I'm on it," Shadow said, snapping her fingers. A laptop appeared. "You can proof her story while I interview her."

"Interview?! I thought you were gonna kill me! YOU AREN'T INTERVIEWING ME!" the authoress shouted in horror. A solid bop on the head with a pole that appeared out of nowhere, and Shadow had no more problems from the authoress.

"And so, Hiei, you are rescued, and the dear authoress, my friends, is about to be put into a world of NIGHTMARES and FEAR and--"

The authoress, quite unconscious, let out a shriek. "AHHHH! WHERE IS IT? IS IT BEHIND ME? I CAN'T SEE! WHERE IS IT? AHHHHHH! OH MY GOD IT'S BEHIND ME IT WANTS TO KILL ME WHERE AM I GOING OH MY GOD! OH! A HOLE! WHERE IS IT NOW, WHERE IS IT NOW, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD! AHHHH, IT'S COMING, IT'S COMING! EEEEEK! BLOOD! RUN! YOU CANNOT HAVE MY SOUL!!!"

"That girl plays way too many video games," Shadow sighed. "She needs to get her ass away from Soul Reaver and work on her stories. But not today! Today she shalt be interviewed! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"If she ever wakes up and stops screaming," Youko muttered, his hands over his ears. The authoress was now screaming about creepy things dropping from the ceiling. Shadow sighed.

"I can't believe such a strange person created something as wonderful as me..."

* * *

**DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU. Wasn't that awful?  
Shadow Jaganshi, 1-7-05**


	8. GAS

**(1-13-05)** This is the last chapter, ladies and gentlemen! It's shorter than I'd thought it would be... But I had things to do and people to see, y'know? And a bed to sleep in.  
Thanks to everyone who reviewed. I'm really tired or I'd single people out and talk to them, but I just wanna put my new music on my mini disc, take a shower, and go to bed.

* * *

**THE CHAPTER AFTER THAT  
**G.A.S.

Authoress Shadow, pansy ningen that she is, did not wake up for several hours after being hit with a metal pole. Having gotten bored, Hiei had gone off to take a shower, telling them all he was going to wash off the impurities Shadow inflicted on him. Youko had taken to redecorating the room, and after only half an hour, there were vines draped all around from the ceiling, flowers growing around the room's borders, and a large, unfriendly looking tree in one corner of the room. On a wide branch of this tree the fox now lay on his stomach, manipulating his vines to occasionally slither down and wrap around Shadow's arm, or perhaps tap Hiei--who'd come back from his shower shortly after leaving, only to find the authoress still out cold, and so he'd sat down and started proofreading her fic--on the shoulder and dart away. When the fire demon put up an energy shield to block such annoying intrusions, the thief, easily bored as he is, tossed handfulls of grass seed around the room and sprouted it, so soon, the famed and feared Room of Interviewing had been transformed into a jungle. When Shadow got up, there was a visible spot of floor in the shape of her body. Youko quickly fixed that.

Yusuke and Kuwabara chose this precise moment to enter the Famed and Feared Room of Interviewing. They stood in the doorway looking puzzled and amused, taking in the jungle, the pissed little fire demon, the tree with the fox in it, Shadow having a staring contest with a butterfly, and lastly, the chairs and table.

"What's going on here?" Yusuke finally asked.

"We're waiting," Youko said.

"What for?"

"For the Great Pumpkin there to wake up," Shadow said, gesturing towards the chairs and table.

"There's nobody there."

Shadow blinked, losing her staring contest with the insect, but she didn't care anymore. The Great Authoress was gone.

"WHERE'D SHE GO?"

"Stupid ningen," Hiei muttered, getting up. The brown-haired girl suddenly appeared and flung Yusuke and Kuwabara out of her way. She was barely out in the hall when she once again had two demons restraining her.

"YOU CAN'T HAVE MY SOUL!"

"YOU DON'T HAVE A SOUL!" Hiei shouted.

"And if you did, we wouldn't want it," Youko added matter-of-factly.

"Really?" the girl said, relaxing.

"Yes, really."

She narrowed her eyes. "Why should I believe you?"

"Have I ever given you reason not to trust me?" Youko asked, sounding insulted. The girl looked at him skeptically, then turned to Hiei for an answer.

"Because," he told her. She blinked.

"Good enough, from you. Very well. I'll go through with this thing you call an interview. But make it snappy, I have things to do and people to see. Did you proof my story, by the way, Hiei?"

"Yes I did," he replied. "I don't approve."

"Didn't think you would. I don't either, really, but you can't deny it. It's gotta be in the story. I wouldn't have written it, had I had the option, but... you know. It's your own god damned fault, Hiei. Yours and that wretched girl created from the deepest darkest depths of my brain."

She sat down in the interviewee's chair, and Shadow sat across from her.

"Okay, Shadow," she said. Then she paused. "I can't do that. I can't call you by my name. It's my name, dammit! Now, you are the Great Authoress Shadow... We need..." She appeared thoughtful. "Can I call you Gas?"

"What the fuck! No!"

"But that's what your initials--"

"I don't give a shit about my initials, I'm not going to be addressed as GAS! Gas is what you put in a car! Or a side-effect from too many beans! Not ME! Call me Bob or something, but not Gas!"

"But Bob is a guy's name..." Shadow said.

"So?! It's better than Gas.. I have a multitude of nicknames! Call me Dial Tone!"

"What the fuck..." Youko muttered. "_Dial Tone?_"

"Long story, fox. Shut up."

"And stop being a bitch!" Shadow snapped. "You're being a bitch! I won't stand for anyone but me being bitchy in MY Famed and Feared Room of Interviewing!"

"More like jungle..." Yusuke muttered.

"Shut up!"

"Hey lady, did you write that sex scene like I said you should?"

The Authoress glared. "I do not write lemon, Yusuke. I'll write romance, reluctantly, but I will NOT write lemon just to sate your perverted mind!"

The boy sighed. "Pity."

"Speaking of romance, what exactly occurs in that story, Gas?"

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME GAS!"

"I don't care. I'm in charge of _this_ circus! Now tell me what happens!"

"I don't wanna give away spoilers," the girl replied. "And you can't make me, no matter how many drugs you pump into my viens. I **AM** IMPERVIOUS!"

"I'm proud of you. So, on the subject of lemon, Gas, have you ever read any?"

The girl bit her lip. "NNnooooo..."

"You sure?"

"Yyyyeeeessss..."

"You lying?"

"Maayyyyybbbeeee..."

Shadow made a face. "What a sicko! You read lemon?"

"IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S A REGULAR HABIT, YOU DOLT! YOU ASKED IF I EVER DID AND I SAID YES AND THAT COULD MEAN I'VE READ ONE IN A TWO YEAR PERIOD, OR IT COULD MEAN THAT I MAKE A POINT OF SEEKING THEM OUT WHENEVER I GET THE CHANCE! WHICH IS **NOT** THE CASE!"

Shadow nodded. "Uh-huh."

"Like you have any room to talk anyways, Shadow," Hiei muttered. "You've read all kinds of bad shit about _me_ when I'm in the _room_."

The authoress wrinkled her nose. "Ew, you have?"

"Hiei's merely confused," Shadow said. "Doesn't know what he's talking about." Then she hissed under her breath, "Whose side are you _on_, Hiei?!"

The fire demon snorted. "Mine."

"Shutup. So, Gas, being the Almighty Authoress and all, a lot of people have wondered exactly what the relationship between Hiei and me is. Could you tell us?"

"Your relationship is _very intimate_," she growled sarcastically, arms crossed.

"Really?"

"Yes. The two of you make mad passionate love almost every night, and you enjoy trying new things whenever possible. That's why you read those stories, Shadow. To get ideas."

Hiei gagged.

"And you like games. Bondage games. Handcuffs and all that. You like to take turns being dominant and--"

"SHUT UP!" Hiei screamed. "God, that's not true! I have no idea what you're talking about! I've never had sex with that girl in my life!"

"Good lord, Shadow, and you even DRUG HIM!" the girl cried, looking appalled.

"Why would I want to have sex with Hiei?" Shadow said, horrified. "He's a pansy! He let Mukuro--"

**"WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT!"** Hiei bellowed. The authoress stared.

"When did this happen, Shadow? Hiei doesn't seem to think his sex life is important enough for me to bring up in stories, so he's never told me about it."

"Well--"

Hiei slapped his hand over Shadow's mouth. "I've never had sex. I'm a virgin."

"Are you lying?"

"Yes, but the truth is none of anybody's business."

Shadow pulled away. "I think he had sex with Youko."

"Nasty! That'd be like..." The authoress spoke the language of hand motions and squishy noises. "And like... going..." She said something else in the language. Shadow let out a shriek.

"Ew! You mean like... all..." Shadow also said something in the language of hand motions and squishy noises. The authoress nodded and the other girl gagged. "_Gross!_"

"I know... Isn't it?" the green-eyed girl replied calmly, nodding.

"Did anybody understand that?" Yusuke asked. Eclipse, filming, obviously knew what had been said, because she was now gagging the corner.

"Hey! No puking on the tree!" Youko cried, dragging her away.

"So... Hiei and I do _this_--" Shadow clapped her hands together and made crude motions. "--and Youko and Hiei did... other stuff..." She refrained from hand motions. "And Hiei and Mukuro... Dear God, let's not even go there. Poor Hiei. And she's even half blind, isn't she?"

"Shut the fuck up!" Hiei snapped. "I didn't have sex with Mukuro or the damned fox, or you either for that matter. You know, the reviewers are gonna be pissed because you're being such a pervert! You had to go rate the fuckin' fic R because of your little discussion with me! Now you're just getting worse!"

"Such language, Hiei. You should be ashamed of yourself," the authoress said. Then she blinked. "Wait one cotton-pickin' minute! If I'm here... Who the hell is writing this?"

"Nobody," Shadow replied. "This is for real, dear girl."

"Shut the fuck up! You can't act on your own without somebody writing you!"

"So naive..."

"Don't call me that. I created you!"

"Well I'm older than you!"

"Only because I say you are! And how is this really happening? You're all fictitious!"

"So many people believe in us," Youko said in a mocking tone. "As long as they believe, we are real."

"Is that like the thing on that one movie? With the fairy? Where if you say you don't believe in fairies, they'll die? So if I say I don't believe in one of you guys, you'll die?"

"I hope not!" Kuwabara whimpered.

"Hm... I don't believe in Kuwabara."

Nothing happened.

"Gaddammit. I guess there's enough Kuwabara fans to keep him sustained through a simple ningen word-assault." The girl sighed. "I'm not even gonna try with Hiei or the fox. I'd be laughed at until I died."

"You already will be, you weird-lookin' weird-dressing weirdo person!" Shadow snapped.

"LIKE YOU HAVE ROOM TO TALK!"

"I'm not weird, I'm COMPLETELY OUT OF MY MIND!" She waved her arms around wildly with her tongue lolling out of her mouth and spit flying everywhere, wide-eyed and deranged-looking.

"I've created a monster," Gas muttered. She sighed. "I should have called her Frankenstein's Monster instead of Shadow... Maybe I should have put bolts in her head and shot her with lightning..."

"Except your name isn't Frankenstein," Yusuke said.

"Yeah, so it'd be more like Jaganshi-san's Monster," Kuwabara added.

"Whatever. Look, I said I wanted this interview to be short. I gotta get back to Soul Reaver. I haven't played a week! I forget EVERYTHING!"

"Loser," Shadow muttered. "So do any of you other people have questions for her?"

"I'm still curious about Hiei and Shadow," Youko said.

"Shut the fuck up, fox," Shadow snapped. "Does abybody have questions for Gas that do not involve anything lewd or have anything to do with my sex life."

"What are your plans for the torture you're gonna put us through in your next story? After the current 'mystery' fic," Hiei asked dryly.

"That one'll be a joy to write," the authoress said cheerfully, an evil glint in her eyes. "But like I said, I don't like giving out spoilers."

"What about after that?" Yusuke asked.

"That one will be a blast too."

"And after that?" Kuwabara said.

"That one will bite. Gaddamnit."

"Really?"

"Not literally, no. But it won't be as fun to write."

"Can we give the readers a preview of the mystery fic?" Shadow asked.

"I have a better idea: I'll post the first chapter once you pains in the ass let me go."

"Really? But that's not as fun. I like tormenting people. Just posting the first chapter... It lacks so much. It lacks finesse and creativity. _Everybody_ posts the first chapter. Maybe you should post the eigth chapter first!"

"Why would I do that?! People would have no idea what was going on!"

"They'd be curious! Or maybe you could finish the story and post the last chapter first and go backwards!"

"Shadow, you're retarded." The authoress got up. "I'm taking back my powers. You are not going to torment any other civilians with them. Or... any other... whatever these people could be considered as. Reikai law enforcement. Whatever they are, I gave you all those papers you were supposed to get them to sign, and you burned them."

"We were supposed to sign papers?" Hiei said. "Shadow! What the hell! You're disobeying your creator's direct commands?"

"Yes I am. I have to have a mind of my own and individuality, you know."

"That's the same thing."

"Whatever. So I did it MY way."

"You abused my powers," Great Authoress Shadow snapped. "I will not stand for it." She grinned. "Your punishment will most definitely not be swift. You will most definitely not enjoy it. Unless you really like Karasu. But we won't go there. This is neither the time nor place to discuss it."

"You can't punish me with Karasu! You can only punish _guys_ with Karasu!" Shadow snapped. "Get lost! Go back to your pathetic existence! AT LEAST MY LIFE HAS A PURPOSE!"

"Yeah. To amuse other people. You are my puppet, Shadow. YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE ME!"

"Hiei, show her the door," Shadow said.

Hiei grabbed the authoress's chin, turned her head towards the door, and said, "That's the door. See it?" He moved her head to nod. "Good. You leave through the door and we will all go back to our regularly scheduled existences."

She batted his hand away. "You mean you'll go back to sitting in oblivion until I need you for my fics."

"There's a high demand on us, girl," Youko said. "You're lucky we've hung around this long after all you've put us through. The only reason I haven't left is because all the lemon fics people write with me usually end up with me in bed with Hiei or Yusuke, or some original character I've known for two days."

Yusuke was now staring at Youko with a look of disgust. "You?"

"Hm?"

"What the fuck! People write stories where I get fucked by that?!" He pointed at Youko. The authoress and Shadow both nodded.

"It's pretty nasty," Shadow said. "I saw one that paired Hiei with Kuwabara, so don't feel too bad."

Hiei shuddered. "Is that that one you were reading out loud from?"

"The one that almost landed me in Hell at your hands?" Shadow said. "Yep. Good thing you love me, though, right?"

"I don't love you."

The authoress grinned. "I'll be taking my leave, kids. Back to the world where **I'M IN CONTROL!**" Under her breath she added, "Friggin' lunatics." And then she walked straight at the door, throwing her arms out at the last second and shouting, "**WILL YOURSELF THROUGH!**" Then she was gone.

"What do you think of fics like that, anyways, Hiei?" Shadow asked after the second shout that signalled the authoress had gone through the wall outside.

"What? The ones thar pair me with the baka or have me being some virgin pansy who has lived in Makai for years upon years but is still unaware about what sex is? Those stories?"

"Yeah."

Hiei glared. "You know full well what I think of those stories, Shadow."

"Heh heh. Tell the fans."

"I WANT YOU ALL TO DIE!"

"And there you have it," Shadow said. She turned to Yusuke and Youko. "What about you guys?"

"Kuwabara passed out when you mentioned him having sex with Hiei," Youko stated, pointing at the boy.

"Wouldn't that be amusing to see a fic where Kuwabara was--"

The authoress popped through the door, threw a rope, and dragged Shadow to the door before she could finish her sentence.

"Shadow, we do not speak of such things. It's already rated R, people have said they had to skip parts because without my supervision you were being a pervert, and Kuwabara has blacked out. I actually still need you alive. Granted, I can ressurrect you, as you are my creation, but if you get killed by Hiei for a lewd remark, I swear I'll bring you back as a female Frankenstein monster; green skin, stitches, bolts, the whole shizam. Got it?"

Shadow smiled weakly. "Yes ma'am." She turned around. "I think I'll be hospitable to you guys for the rest of the day... The authoress has planted horrid images of my death and ressurrection into my head, and she **will** enact them with my body if I continue being so obscene, and I have none of her powers anymore, so I think I'm going to be hospitable. Who wants dinner?"

The authoress grinned and vanished back through the door, skipping down the hall singing.

The Great Authoress Shadow Jaganshi is the only human able to control Shadow.

She should get an award.

* * *

I am going to post the first chapter of the mystery fic before the end of the week (that gives me what, two days?). I just wanna proof it again (for the fourth time), then I'll post it. I need a title, too... ::sigh:: It'll probably be called "THIS STORY NEEDS A TITLE" for the first few chapters... Jeez.  
Do any of you listen to Slipknot? If so, y'know their song Iowa on their CD called Iowa? It's the creepy last song. It reminds me of Karasu. Or, more precisely, things Karasu would say should he ever get ahold of Kurama... It gave me terrible images when I read the lyrics. I was just like... "Doopy doo... la dee da... OH MY GOD! KARASU! Ew, oh my God, it's Karasu!" Read them again, got horrible images. Listened to song, still had horrible images. Eeee... ::shudder::


End file.
